YouTuber One-Shots
by JinxedJaguar
Summary: One-shots written about YouTubers and YouTube groups. I'm sure you've never, ever seen anything like this (kek). Tags to the story will be added on as one-shots are written about them. Request a ship for us to write about and we'll try our bests to write it. [The Pack, Vikklan, Vikkstar123, Lachlan, TBNRduty, Woofless] One-shots by: JinxedJaguar and wildwolfmb
1. Once Upon A Dream (Vikklan)

_((Pairing: Vikklan  
Song: Once Upon A Dream covered by Emily Osment  
Genre: Fluff  
Side-notes: wildwolfmb wrote pretty much all of this, so I can't take credit of any of this amazing one-shot! :D 3))_

I sat in my comfortable chair nervously as my Skype dinged. The small blue symbol jumped up and down as more dings came through my headphones, telling me that The Pack was in a call together. I shifted back and forth as I moved my mouse to hover over the white 'S'. I clicked on it and quickly clicked again on the green join call button so that I wouldn't lose my nerves. I turn my facecam on after I make sure that my face looks normal, just so they wouldn't get suspicious. We have an unspoken rule that you turn your facecam on immediately, I guess it's because we all care about each other so much.

"Yo, Little Lachy!" Preston calls out grinning at his camera as he sees my face join the others. The rest of The Pack calls out their greetings as they slowly load in on my screen. Aussie ping is the worst for facecam Skyping, as they always turn really pixelated and sometimes freeze up.

"So, what's everyone's plans for recording on this lovely day?" Rob asks as his facecam stops the the derpiest face. I chuckle slightly as it unfreezes, and everyone responds with their schedule. I know I should have been paying more attention when I hear Mitch scream my name. My ears ring and Jerome shouts back at Mitch for breaking his eardrums. I grin widely as they argue back and forth.

"Lachy are you okay?" Oh no. I've been trying to avoid looking at him so I don't get lost in thought. That worked well. I glance at his face to see him looking really concerned. I almost instantly get lost in his dark brown eyes.

"Lachlan?" Rob asks again, the call has gone completely silent and I snap out of my thoughts.

"Yeah, sorry what?" I ask coughing slightly to try and get rid of the awkward air that seems to be hanging around me.

"Are you okay dude?" Rob asks as they all look concernedly at where I'm assuming my face was on their screens. "You seemed to space out for a while there."

"Oh sorry my crap internet just froze," I quickly spat out the first excuse that popped into my head. 'Oh shit they aren't going to believe that' I thought as they all looked confused.

"Sure," Vik said slowly, like he was trying to get the thought to sound right in his head. I could tell that none of them believed me at all.

"As I asked earlier what's your recording schedule for today Lachlan?" asked Rob. I guess they decided to drop it.

"I've already got a Crazy Craft recorded and mostly edited, but it would be nice to also upload an H2M today," I say, clicking off Skype and on to OBS to see the progress I've made on the Crazy Craft episode.

"Do you want to record a Lucky Block video with us later?" Mitch asked as I started back up on editing. I thought about it for a second. It had been a while since I had upload a Lucky Block and it was one of the most requested videos for us to make.

"Who would be doing it and what would we be doing with the Lucky Blocks?" I asked. 'Please don't say Vik' I thought. I really hope that it would just be Mitch and maybe another person.

"It would be you, me, and Ikky Vikky," Mitch answered. I tried not to cringe as I heard that Vik would also be on. I needed to give the viewers another Lucky Block video though. "We would be doing Platinum Lucky Block staircase." I sigh and nod my head.

"Can we keep it as a rainy day video though?" I ask. I had used my old recording that I kept if I wasn't feeling like uploading a couple days ago and I needed to make a new one.

"Of course," Vik answered, I noticed him smiling on the current call tab that was open on my screen. I smiled back at him. I went back to editing as Jerome and Mitch started talking about the pains of parkour. I finished off the editing quickly as I half listened to the conversation.

"I gotta go record the H2M episode for today, I'll rejoin after though," I say as I start up Minecraft. They all say bye back and I leave the call. The moment I leave the call, I let out a giant sigh. Finally, that was harder than I thought it would be. I let out a small smile though as I remember that no one really noticed what was going on. The Pack could be really unobservant, so clueless sometimes. I set up the recording software and make sure that it is actually recording properly and that my microphone was working before I start up the episode. I don't want a repeat of the Crazy Craft episode 4 days ago where I kept messing up with the recording.

~~Time Skip to Recording End~~

I shut down the recording software and opened Skype back up. I glanced at the call to see that Vik, Preston, and Rob were the only people still in the call. I quickly rejoin and turn facecam on.

"Hey again Lachy," Vik said, grinning at the camera. I couldn't help but smile at his adorableness. Poofless started chatting again about collabing on their second channels, as they were starting to get neglected. I blocked them out as I opened OBS and started the process of editing the H2M to upload. I also started the process of uploading the Crazy Craft to YouTube. Of course that made the Skype call almost completely die. After listening to static and choppy voices for the first half hour of editing I gave a quick explanation and left the call again to finish editing and uploading.

The editing process only took another half hour after I left the Skype call as I was more focused. After I started the render to YouTube, I got up from my chair and walked slowly through my house to the kitchen. I hadn't realized it at the time, but I had skipped both lunch and breakfast. It was hard to find time to eat and sleep when you have YouTube as your job. Not that I would take it any other way. I quickly shoved together a burrito and nuked it in the microwave. Taking my newly made food and a glass of water up to my recording studio I put my headphones back on and finished up the uploading process of the H2M.

After I made sure the thumbnails and everything was all good with the episodes, I rejoined the Skype call to see only Vik and Rob still hanging out. I greeted them and turned my facecam back on again. I noticed Simon hanging out behind Vik. I just ignored him as he was pry going to make a video with Vik soon. Rob left the call almost immediately after I joined, mumbling something about blaze spawners and cosmic. I guess now it's just me and Vik.

"I gotta make an H2M for tomorrow but you can stick around if you mute your mic," Vik said to me, glancing behind him at Simon. Simon must have gotten that Vik was going to use facecam on his video and he quickly left the room. I nod to Vik and sit back to listen to Vik's soothing voice. I drift off as Vik starts his intro to the series and fall asleep as he draws Nooch from Pete's machine.

I wake up to giggling and my phone going off. I yawn and stretch upwards. I slowly unwind as I rub my eyes trying to get them to open without being blinded by the bright light in my room. I jolt upwards as I realize I'm still in a call with Vik. I blush slightly as I see him staring at me with a warm look on his face. I notice a shadow that looks human shaped in the room but I ignore it.

"Did you sleep well?" Vik asks me, smiling softly.

"Sorry for falling asleep on you like that. I have a messed up sleep schedule," I say after I unmute my mic.

"Don't apologize, you're cute when you're sleeping," Vik says, shrugging then blushing. I blush too, and turn my head away. 'He thinks I'm cute,' I think smiling. Maybe it's time to admit it. This is going to be hard. I turn my facecam off. Vik must realize this is serious because when I turn it off his smile disappears and he looks confused. I take a deep breath and turn my facecam back on so he can see my slightly scared expression. I close my eyes and glance over to my second monitor. I open the first window to see chords. I grab my guitar from my left and glance quickly back at Vik.

"I'm sorry if this ruins our relationship but I need to get this off my back," I say, my mind swirling with outcomes and all the different ways this could go wrong. I sweep my hand across the strings on the small wooden guitar and close my eyes completely. The final thing I do is change headsets so it is connected to my second monitor and pull up a page. The Skype call is completely silent as I start out strumming and music floods through my ears. As the song progresses, I open my mouth and start to sing softly.

 **"I know you**  
 **I walked with you once upon a dream**  
 **I know you**  
 **The gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam**  
 **I know its true**  
 **That visions are seldom all they seem**  
 **But if I know you**  
 **I know what you'll do**  
 **You'll love me at once they way you did once**  
 **Upon a dream**

 **Once upon a time**  
 **I was dreaming we'd be together**  
 **In love forever**  
 **Once upon a night**  
 **I was wishing for a never**  
 **A never ending**  
 **Once upon a time**  
 **Once upon a night**  
 **Once upon a wish**  
 **Once upon a dream**

 **I know you**  
 **I danced with you once upon a night**  
 **There we were**  
 **Wishing this dance would last forever all time**  
 **I hope its true**  
 **This vision is more than what it seems**  
 **Cause if dreams come true**  
 **I know what we'll do**  
 **We'll dance once again**  
 **They way we did then**  
 **Upon a dream**

 **Yeah, yeah**  
 **yeah, yeeeaaaah**

 **Once upon a night**  
 **I was wishing for a never**  
 **A never ending**

 **Once upon a time**  
 **Once upon a night**  
 **Once upon a wish**  
 **Once upon a LOVE...**

 **Once upon a dream...**

 **Once upon a dream...**

 **Once upon a dream...**

 **Once upon a dream!"**

"I guess what I'm trying to say is I love you Vikkstar123," I finish the song terrified of his reaction. I glance behind him only to realize he didn't have headphones on. Weird, I brush it off though and glance at Vik's face finally. He has tears running down his face as he holds a hand to his mouth. I cringe as I see that. 'I guess he doesn't love me back,' I think despair clouding my mind. Vik seems to snap out of it when he sees me cringe.

"I love you so, so much. If I was there with you now I would kiss you. You kangaroo," he says, catching me off guard. I smile widely and laugh.

"VIKKLAN!" I hear Simon scream as a door slams open and footsteps leave Vik's room.

"SO MUCH FLUFFY VIKKLAN! ALL THE SHIP!" I hear him scream as his voice fades. Vik laughs a smile taking over his face. I smile with him. It might take me a year, or longer until I can see him and kiss him for the first time. That won't stop me from loving him with all my heart. My shining star. I will wait for us to collide. Vikklan, the ship that sails through starts and across any ocean, no matter the size.

"I love you," I whisper, savoring the three words I have been wanting to say for years. This feels right.

"I love you too, my sunshine."


	2. Together (Vikklan)

_((Pairing: Vikklan  
Song: (not on purpose but fits well with it) Scene One - James Dean & Audrey Hepburn by Sleeping With Sirens  
Genre: angst and fluff  
Side-notes: The _**bolded lines** _are from one person, the_ normal text _is another. Try to figure out who is who. :D))_

 _Lachlan will always be there to catch Vik._

 _Vik just never realized that Lachlan can fall too._

 **The higher you get, the further you fall.**

It's too bad you couldn't get high before you fell, to know what it's like to be up there, above the world.

 **Sometimes it hurts less if you were never high to begin with.**

But sometimes the ground might not be level, and you fall into a pit, further down than others.

 **Sometimes. Still, in comparison, you were higher at one point.**

I guess so, but I hope the feather falling boots I gave you were enough to stop you from getting hurt.

 **Magic can only go so far.**

I just wish I was there to grab your hand and pull you back up.

 **Some things are inconvenient.**

Still, I should have realized, and actually tried.

 **Maybe I never meant for you to catch me.**

No, but you never realized how much of myself you were ripping from me when you fell.

 **How was I, when I convinced myself that you didn't care at all?**

By the fact that I tried to follow you that first time you tripped down the hill.

 **Things can change.**

My feelings towards you will never change, and I'll never let you fall again.

 **I believe you, but part of me is still scared.**

I'll find us an ocean to live on, so we never need to worry about falling again.

 **That gets rid of one issue. What of one of us falls into the water? It's a farther fall than anywhere near us, now.**

I'll find a way to swim, and always keep your head above the water.

 **Sometimes, I wish that wasn't case. Sometimes it's amazing to hear the dulled and muffled noises under the water. Everything is so… distant.**

Distance is what caused this problem in the first place. I'll never make the mistake of leaving you again. If you need to hear the world, muffled and distant, then I'll go down with you. When my lungs scream for air, and beg me to surface, I'll pull you up with me, so if we do drown, you won't drown alone.

 **It'd be nice. To drown with you.**

I'll never let us drown. Just the comfort of the water, keeping us safe.

 **It's hard to figure out whether that's a good or bad thing, sometimes.**

It'll never have to be bad when I'm with you. You never have to worry when I'm around.

 **What about when you're gone?**

I'll never leave, but if I do, then I'll make sure to make you a boat to keep you afloat.

 **Would I be waiting long? The thing about being away from each other is the doubt that the other will ever come back.**

I'll find a horse to make sure I get home faster. I'll never let myself be taken for longer than a boat can last.

 **Still, nothing can last forever. Things get in the way, tear away at it. What if that happens to us?**

Then I'll find you a boat that will last forever, and keep you afloat with a sun to keep you warm. I'll never let you go.

 **But I'll never be enough. I'll never be enough for you. You can lie to me, and to yourself, that I'm all you want or need. I'm not. I can understand that.**

That's not true. Your smile is what keeps me going. Your arms are all I need to keep afloat. I've learned this the hard way.

 **Yet, all I've done is drag you down. What good am I, when the only thing that makes me happy has to be so selfless and caring and I can't be the same way in return?**

We are all different, and I get happy seeing you. I don't know why, but I think it's because my heart calls for you, my love.

 **When I see you, I see someone who deserves everything, yet is completely content with what he has. A sense of appreciation and respect washes over me, and I realize how much you mean to me.**

My bond with you is more than a reward for my so called appreciation. I will never need more than your love to keep me alive and happy.

 **But I'm selfish, and too caught up in myself to consider others, It's hard to love others when I can't love myself.**

Then I can love you enough for the both of us.

 **How would you be able to live with that pressure, with such expectations?**

There are no expectations. I just need you to try to see yourself how I see you. I won't fault you if you can't.

 **It's not fair. It's not fair to you. You shouldn't have to rely on yourself so much to help a lost cause.**

You aren't a lost cause. I'm not relying upon just me, I've got you and the rest of the guys to help. Even if it takes a million years, I'll wait.

 **Why wait, when there's a whole world around you? A world you deserve, with people who you deserve. People who are better than me.**

No one is better than you, in my eyes. Others might exist, but no one else can make me fly like you can.

 **How would you know, when you don't have the heart to look around?**

I've tried, when I thought you had fallen too far. I tried to find another, but no one could make me soar like you could. No one was the same as you.

 **How is that possible? How could I do something that I seem so incapable of doing?**

I don't see why you can't see it, but all I know is that I can't deal with losing you again. This time, I'm never letting go.

 **Even if I ask you to?**

Even if you ask me to.

 **And what if you fall?**

Then I'll only have to look up at your smile to fly again.

 **And what if we both fall?**

Then I'll have memories to help me fly. I'll push you forward so I'll see you smile again. You can try to convince me to let go, but I never will.

 **What if you can't? What if you don't want to?**

I'll never not want to. I wish you could see that.

 **It's hard to see from another's perspective without changing yourself.**

I guess that's why I can't understand why you hate yourself so much.

 **It's difficult. I can't see the happiness in the world, because all the sadness seems to outweigh it all.**

Hopefully I can guide you to the happiness of the world, so you can laugh and play with me again.

 **I'm scared of that. It hurts so much more when things get so much better, only for them to get stripped away.**

But I won't let them get taken away from you. I'll keep you firmly by my side, where you can see the light, away from where you can be consumed by the darkness.

 **If you do that, you have to understand how I think, to make sure we know how to help if the other one loses sight of things.**

If I have to spend years understand you, I'll do it. I want us to be able to help each other.

 **Maybe one day, we'll be able to help more than each other. Hopefully.**

We already do. Have you seen some of the comments? It's more than just me who loves you. I just love you in a different way.

 **It's hard to imagine that, when everything seems like nothing more than words and numbers on a screen.**

Then maybe I'll take you to a convention soon. Maybe it'll help you convince yourself that we all love you. After all, you're my star, my light in the dark.

 **It'd be great to see you again, with all the viewers, wouldn't it?**

It would be nice. Maybe I could get some nice cuddles from my favorite little star.

 **Then we could explore the city, find new places, run into familiar faces.**

I can make arrangements for a fan meet up. We can get as many people there as possible. I know it'll work.

 **But what if people who don't like us show up? Words are sharper, they sting more when they're said to your face rather than through a screen.**

Then I'll hurt them, I'll hurt whoever hurt you. I won't let anyone harm you.

 **Nothing would hurt more than their words coming from you.**

Then I'll make sure to never let myself speak those words.

 **I hope that you never lose control of yourself. It's terrifying to think that a few simple words coming from your mouth could hurt more than anything else in this world.**

As long as I have you, I'll have myself. I couldn't hurt you, it would hurt me too much.

 **I hope that never changes.**

It won't. Trust me, please.

 **I trust you, but some things are out of your control.**

Not this. I'll never let this out of my control. Even if I have to stop YouTube, I won't let you - let this - go.

 **Why choose me over YouTube?**

Because you make my life seem brighter. I love you.

 **What are you - what am I - without YouTube?**

I am the boy so hopelessly in love with you that I'd let go of making entertainment just to make sure you feel loved. Besides, if you left, I wouldn't be able to deal with the reminders of you when I record.

 **But what will you do when I'm gone? Death is inevitable.**

Then I won't have long left. I'll make sure I make as many others smile as possible, and encourage them to find their other half. Just like how you're mine.

 **How many others do you think truly understand what we've gone through and how we feel?**

I doubt many others do, but I want to help those who feel lost. I want to help them find their light, like I hope I can to you.

 **You can't get too disappointed when you understand that you can't help everyone.**

I know I can't help everyone, but I know I can help at least you. Even if I can't help anyone else, then I know that I've helped the person who is most important to me.

 **I'll try. I'll do my best, but I can't make any promises.**

I don't want you to. Just remember that I love you.

 **But I want to. For you.**

Thank you. That's all I ask.

 **It's all for you.**

I love you so much. I'm so proud of my little star for being so brave, for trying.

 **It's too much for me to comprehend that you care so much. I love you, too.**

I'm glad that you love me back. Thank you for trying.


	3. Fallen Star (Vikkstar123)

_((Pairing: None  
Song: None  
_ _Genre: angst  
_ _Side-notes: Another amazing one shot written by wildwolfmb! I took no part in writing this, so all credit is given to her!))_

 ** _Vik's POV_**

I sat there, staring at the blank screen. I should go to bed, dissolve all my thoughts into dreams. Yet I still sit there looking at nothing. It doesn't feel right anymore. Nothing really does. I can talk and laugh and smile while the screen is shining brightly in my face, but as soon as it turns, off all my thoughts suffocate me. The reality of everything crashes into me like a giant wave of water as soon as the camera shuts off and my room descends into darkness. Usually when this happens, I go to sleep and dream of being happy before turning the screen back on and losing myself in the videos. I miss the days when recording wasn't just a distraction from my thoughts. I sigh and run a clammy hand through my dark hair. A small prickling feeling starts in the back of my eyes and I try to force it away. I can't spend another night feeling pity over a life that isn't bad. There are people starving and dying away while I live here in comfort. That just makes me feel worse.

I guess once you start falling, it just gets faster and faster until you hit the ground. Finally, the tears spill out of my eyes and small choking sobs escape from my parched lips. I make sure that I am never loud enough to wake up any of the other Sidemen. I can't be a bother to them. I shake in my chair as my tears become more violent. Yet as they stream down faster and faster, I somehow feel more numb, as if my emotions were contained in those drops of salty liquid. I shove part of my fist into my mouth to keep my crying from being heard. After several minutes of sadness, I stand up slowly and stumble my way over to my bed. It's hard to keep quiet as my blurry eyes cause me to kick a football laying in my room from Simon messing around in it earlier. I cuss loudly as it crashes into the wall. My breath stops as I stand completely still waiting for some sign that I had managed to fuck it all up and wake everyone from their slumber. After a couple minutes of silence I let go of the air trapped in my lungs and suck in another breath. This seems to trigger another bout of tears and, before I can cover my mouth, a loud sob is wrenched from my mouth. I sit down harshly on my bed and shove my head between my legs. I can't even be bothered to check if I woke anyone up with my pathetic crying.

I hit my head with my hands as more and more tears pour down my face. Shouldn't my tears have run dry by now? Oh well, I guess that's one thing I can never fuck up on. I want to stop crying. It hurts to cry this much. My eyes sting horribly and my nose feels like someone stuffed a wad of tissue up it, but at least I haven't woken anyone up. My thoughts wander as the shaking sobs start to slow to a steady stream of tears, slowly winding their way down my face. I think over all I have managed to fuck up over my lifetime. I only ever do this once a month, as it leaves me feeling like I should end it, even though I know that so many people would be pissed at me for leaving the channels. Not like they wouldn't find another person who isn't as much of a pathetic piece of shit to love.

I start as far back as my memories go. I can remember the warmth of pure love and something I think is joy as my youngest memories. I miss those the most. Not even the happy memories from when I was slightly older, when I was only just starting to deal with responsibility. I never want to go back to when I was naive though. When the world was good and bad. Even if it means crying every night and never wanting to actually live, I would never give up the knowledge I have of the world now. I sigh slightly loudly as my tears increase again. I knew this wouldn't help out at all. I don't know why I do it, I guess I just do it to feel something in this darkness that envelops my mind and my room. My eyes close as more and more tears run down my face staining my pillow. Luckily, I have a dark pillow so if someone came to wake me up when I eventually fall asleep, no one will notice. I slip further into the darkness staring at a small orange bottle as it engulfs my vision completely.

I'm shocked awake to a rough hand slapping my face with something cold and kind of thick. I groan as I try to force my eyes open. Laughter fills my ears as I force my eyes open. I see Josh holding a camera with in one hand and a whipped cream covered hand held out awkwardly towards my face. My eyes must have been really bloodshot from my crying session earlier as he stopped laughing immediately.

"Vik, mate, you okay?" he asks as I close my eyes again and relax back into my blankets.

"Yeah, Josh, I just didn't sleep well," I answer as I pull the covers over my head, not even caring that the camera was probably still rolling. For some reason, it took more effort not to pick up the flimsy plastic and just end it last night. Usually I woke up refreshed, but the rude awakening just caused my already crappy mood to descend right back into "night mode" as I like to call it. I heard Josh leave my room and close the door. I sigh again as I unlock my phone and check the time. 11:50. I almost shut off my phone before I freeze. The date, it's been ten years. I can't believe I forgot. The glaring screen blared off the date: Monday, May 28, 2015. A few tears escape down my cheeks as I smile widely. Ten years ago I decided that if it didn't look up over the course of all those years, then maybe I could join him. I look through my twitter already giddy with planning every detail of it. I frown as I see one message that I sent out a couple days ago.

"H2M stream Monday!". Shit. I managed to even fuck this up. Not that it's surprising, being the worthless bitch I am. I guess it can be my sort of goodbye to my fans. Hopefully I can leave them with a good memory of me. I make sure everything is set up, the orange mocking me from the corner of my eye the whole time. I tweet out that I'll be streaming in half an hour and shut off my phone before I head down the stairs to the kitchen. I prepare my, hopefully, last meal as I hum a happy tune and almost dance around preparing eggs and toast. It might not seem like much but I won't need nourishment when I'm done today. I hear footsteps coming down the stairs and look up to see Simon rushing to the kitchen.

"Hey man," I smile at him gesturing at him to sit. I had only made enough food for one person so I scoop all of the eggs onto his plate and just grab a piece of toast to take up to my room.

"Dude I can't take all of the food you made, I can make my own," he says frowning at me. I glance over to him my foot already on the first step up to my room.

"Nah, man I wasn't even hungry," I claim as I quickly rush up the stairs and away from his judging eyes. I knew I had put on too much fat. I sigh and throw the toast into the trash in my room and boot everything up. I just barely am able to get everything up and running before the designated time for streaming comes by. Everything is running smoothly and I was having a nice "day moment" before Simon and Josh manage to come in and ruin it.

There was a lull in commentary as I mine iron and let Monstercat play in the background. They both bust into my room and pay no attention to my computers as they start to talk. They must have thought I just finished making a video. I whip my headphones off and spin around looking at them confused.

"Vik, we need to talk," Simon says as he looks me directly in the eye. I start to panic slightly as the stream can still hear and see everything that is happening.

"Not now, please can it-" I try to get out. I don't want the fans to know if this is what I think it is.

"No, Vik, we need to talk now, no buts," Josh cuts me off before I can even manage to try and protest again. Simon comes forward and grabs my chair pulling it away from the computer to look me in the eyes.

"What happened," he asks looking me directly in the eye never even glancing behind me to look at my computer and see the stream probably blowing up. My breaths come in short gasps as I start to panic. Shit, again I guess. I haven't had a panic attack in a long time. Not since starting YouTube and becoming relatively well known.

"S-st-stream," I manage to gasp out. Realization clouds Josh's concerned face as guilt starts to take over Simon's face.

"Shit," Josh curses as he runs over and waves bye to the facecam grinning and stopping the stream. The chat is blowing up with concern as my breaths keep coming shorter and shorter. Simon grabs me and sets me down on my bed. My vision fuzzes out and goes completely black as my lungs keep screaming for air.

I wake up to a hand stroking through my hair. Very different to my first time waking up. My mind is completely blank and calm as I yawn and stretch slightly. I hear a small chuckle and look up to see Simon's face. I start to become slightly aware to the fact that I'm cuddling into his side. It all comes crashing down onto me and I sit up fast.

"What time is it?" I ask panicky and anxious. I promised myself that it would only be on the 18th.

"9 P.M.?" Josh says questioningly. I let out a breath of relief as I snuggle back into Simon's side. I still have time to get rid of my useless lump of fat.

"I'm sorry for not checking that you were streaming, Vik," Simon says, rubbing his hand into my hair. I chuckle and assure them both that it's fine. It's not though. But they can't know that I can't have them ruin this.

"Now shoo, I gotta record a fuckload to make up for the time I was passed out," I say standing up and shoving them out of my room. The smile drops from my face as I lock the door behind them. I send out a quick apology tweet about the stream. I walk over to my shelf and take the two bottles filled with small pills. I set them on my bed with a pile of several letters that I decided to write to each of my friends. I hope on Skype and pop a quick "goodbye" to each person in the pack. Then I grab the pills and down both bottles. Blackness creeps up on my vision and I smile a small smile. I'll finally be able to join my brother again.

 ** _Simon's POV_**

I get a Skype call from Preston. That's weird we don't usually talk. I shrug and answer the call. The facecam pops up and I see him with tear tracks on his face.

"Where is Vik?" He asks clearly trying to stay calm. My eyes widen and I jump up and race past Josh and knock furiously on Vik's door. I don't get an answer so I kick it down. At the edge of my vision I see Vik's body on the bed. I decide to hope and actually check before jumping to conclusions. I pace slowly over to his bed and look down to see two orange bottles and a pile of notes. I fall to the floor as a scream wrenches from my throat. Josh comes running in and stops in his tracks seeing me trying to shake Vik awake.

He pulls me away from Vik's limp form and brings me back to my room where he sets me on the bed. I glance over to my computer to see all of The Pack's worried faces on the screen. Preston must have added them while I was looking for Vik. Even just thinking his name causes my heart to explode into a mess and I start sobbing hard. Josh pulls away from me to explain to the guys what he saw in hushed voices. Leaving me on my bed to cry my eyes out. Ten Years. Ten long or short years. Maybe I'll see him again.

 _And so the first star fell._


	4. All The Goodness

_((I'm not telling you guys the ship until the end ;) All I have to say is that this isn't a Pack one shot.))_

 _Troye's POV_

I lay down on my bed sighing as the comfortable mattress enveloped me and made me feel at home. After a long day of work it felt good to relax and unwind. I could feel my muscles relax and my mind went numb as tiredness flooded into my body. I had spent two hours recording and keeping up that level of energy for so long was exhausting. Not to mention that I hadn't slept the previous night. My mind started to wander around in circles while I tried not to fall asleep. It was only midday and if I was to find asleep again, then they would definitely know that something was up with me. Currently, I was staying over at Tyler's house and I knew that he would have _it_. I needed it. Sighing I stood up from the warm embrace of my bed to scour the house for it. The living room was my first stop. Unsure of where everything is, I looked through every corner of the room before admitting that it wasn't in the living room. Not that it would make sense there but you know, it was worth a try. The next room was Tyler's room. I can't go through all of his stuff, so I just give the room a cursory glance before moving on. It takes several more minutes of wandering around the house before I can find the kitchen. This is the room for sure. I will be able to find it here, no doubt. I start my search before I recognize it's red color out of the corner of my eye. It's sat innocently on the tallest shelf. Impossible for me to reach without help. Damn you, Tyler. I climb on to the counter below the shelf and stretch until my fingertips brush against the plastic that separates me from my heaven. The small container comes crashing down on me and I just barely catch it. A smile creeps it's way onto my face as I see that it is completely unopened. The knife pops the smooth cover as a shiver of happiness runs down my back. Before I realize what is happening, my finger is already outstretched and running through it. My mind dissolves into bliss as my finger enters my mouth and it melts onto my tongue. A blush spreads across my face and I groan as I reach down for another mouthful. It makes my emotions completely dissolve into pure bliss. When I'm about halfway through the container, a small moan leaves my dark lips. My ears pick up shuffling behind me and I turn around with half lidded eyes.

"Troye?" It's Tyler. Oh shit, now am I supposed to explain this? My eyes snap all the way open and I quickly try to hide the plastic behind my back. A dark red spreads all the way across my face and Tyler gives me a knowing look.

"I-it's nothing Tyler," I tell him, stuttering slightly as nervousness over takes me. He just smirks at me before swaying his way over to where I'm standing awkwardly. I back up to the wall before he reaches around me. I close my eyes in embarrassment before I feel something poking at my lips. I open my eyes to see a finger coated in it. Of course I don't question it and simply take it in my mouth. I hum as it sends my taste buds to heaven.

"Nothing my ass," I glance up at Tyler before letting go of his finger and shrugging slightly. He shrugs back at me before smiling and giving me another coated finger.

I could eat this heavenly treat forever and still want more. The chocolate and hazelnut mixes so well to create such a unique taste that makes me groan. Thank you, Italy, for creating this small taste of heaven.

 _((Pairing: Troytella (Troye Sivan x Nutella)  
Song: None  
Genre: ? Random  
Side-notes: Don't ask... These things just come up in casual conversations. Also, to anyone who reads Unraveling and/or Lies, I'm really sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I was a mix of lazy and busy and, as of last week, school. Sorry ;-;))_


	5. Hang Up (VikklanVeston)

_((Pairing: Vikklan/Veston - you'll see  
Song: None  
_ _Genre: angst  
_ _Side-notes: none))_

The day that I found out Vik had started dating Preston, I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't know how to react. Should I be happy for them? Was it okay for me to be jealous? Sure, I had a slight crush on Vik, but it was nothing more. It was never enough motivation to ask him out. Even if it was, I knew I wouldn't, because in what world would I be confident enough to do that? In what world world would Vik say yes?

They never talked about how they were dating and they never talked about how much they liked or disliked the other person. The most insight we got into their relationship was that they constantly Skyped each other. I found that out quickly, seeing as neither of them ever answered my Skype messages or calls.

It almost felt like I lost my best friends because they apparently got along better than I ever did with them. Two weeks of them dating and I was already feeling left out. Surely it wasn't on purpose, right? I lived on the other side of the world and there was nothing wrong with them spending time together. Maybe it wasn't the fact that all I ever did was talk about myself, or all I could do was bitch and whine about my life, or that in reality, all my friendships were one sided as hell. Yeah, it was just because they liked to spend time with each other.

I had long since given up on talking to anyone else. Mitch and Jerome were still constantly traveling and Rob would admittedly much rather talk to Preston than me. With all the time I had to spend alone, I absorbed myself in my thoughts. It definitely wasn't good for me, but I could argue because I learned so much about myself. It was no exaggeration when I had thought that I only ever talk about myself. All I could do was get caught up over all these little problems and bitch about them. They guys were definitely sick of hearing about my made up depression. I knew that I just wanted people to feel bad for me. I couldn't do anything besides that. A few times I had admitted to wanting to kill myself and they all got freaked out, telling me I matter. I wasn't sure whether they were lying or not, but whatever the situation was, I just knew I had fucked up. They didn't need me in the way. Just a few words and I'd leave them alone. It'd be easier if they'd just get it over with.

None of my thoughts were really anything new. I had grown used to my thoughts after I first dealt with them in early high school. They were becoming a bit more extreme, but I was sure I could deal with them. Hopefully, I could keep them to myself. It hurt less when I tell myself to shut up and pull it together than when someone else does.

Alone was where I was meant to be. No one wanted me here. I didn't want to be here. I was okay with "Veston" for a little while, but not anymore. Preston randomly flew out to London to see Vik. Vik finally answered one of my Skype calls. They kissed. In front of me. I turned my computer off the WiFi to make it look like the call had dropped and completely broke down.

I was jealous. I was definitely jealous. I wished that I was the one kissing Vik. Despite pushing it to the back of my mind, my crush on Vik hadn't subsided. It hurt. I could feel sadness settling into my gut. Preston didn't deserve Vik. Vik could do so much better than him. Vik deserved the world, and Preston didn't have the world to offer.

What's wrong with me?

Preston deserved Vik in every way. What could I do better than Preston? Nothing. Vik seemed so happy. Preston had to be doing something right. Preston is perfect for Vik. I knew I'd only fuck things up with him. I seemed to already have done that. They weren't dumb. My internet wouldn't crash the moment they kissed.

I threw my headphones onto my desk in frustration. Fuck. Fuck it. A tear dripped onto my leg. Pathetic. I was so pathetic. I was so… selfish. All I could do was think about myself. Distressed, I angrily tugged at my hair to try to calm down. I looked up at my desk and my mechanical pencil caught my eye. It was a bad idea to reignite old habits, but I could really care less. I grabbed the pencil and laid my arm against my desk. I did my best to scratch selfish into my arm. I couldn't draw blood, but I knew it would be irritated.

It felt good. It stung, and I loved it. The feeling of pain dismissed all my other thoughts, leaving me numb. I glanced down at my pale arms to see that I hadn't ended up drawing blood, thankfully.

I was selfish, and self absorbed. I was an idiot, and I could barely give anyone besides myself a second though. I hated every inch of my body and every ounce of my thoughts. I truly was better off alone.

From: Vikram Barn

'Please call me. I need to talk to you.'

What could he possibly want to talk about? Especially after not talking to him at all for a week. I even kept to myself on my birthday.

To: Vikram Barn

'What about?'

From: Vikram Barn

'Just call me. Please.'

Would it be a bad idea to call him? Most likely. But I missed his voice. Maybe what he had to say was important. As much as I didn't want to call him, I didn't want to make him angry.

First ring.

Was I in trouble for something?

Second ring.

Did he finally figure out how much I wished I was in Preston's place?

Third ring.

Was it just a joke? He wasn't answering. Maybe he was pulling my leg or something.

Fourth ring.

Answer.

"Lachlan?" Vik answered.

"Hi..." I breathed, my heart beat speeding up.

"Lachlan... Something is wrong," he told me.

"What's wrong?" I asked, frowning.

"Something is off. What's wrong, Lachlan?" he continued.

"What are you talking about?" I questioned.

"Lachlan, are you okay?" he asked me.

"Yes?" I replied, confused about what he was asking.

"You've been acting weird, recently. I'm worried," he mumbled.

"Worried? Don't be worried. I'm fine," I lied.

"You're not happy," he bluntly stated.

"What makes you think that?" I wondered, my tone almost sarcastic. Hopefully he didn't notice.

"I would never usually admit this but... I watch your videos," he admitted. I could basically see him awkwardly scratching his neck. "You never smile. You would always smile in your videos. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, Vik," I insisted.

"I know you. You're always smiling; you're always laughing. Preston and I are worried," he added.

"I'm fine," I sighed. I doubted either of them actually cared.

"Lachlan, you know you can tell me - tell Preston - anything," he continued.

"Well, neither you nor Preston seem to simply answer a text," I muttered.

"What are you talking about?" Vik just about snapped, sounding offended.

"Nothing..." I mumbled.

"Does this have something to do with the two of us dating?" Vik demanded.

"What would make you think that?" I countered. Was I that see through?

"I... I don't know! This all seemed to start when we told you that we were together. And I don't know, I'm just worried." I bet he was just guilty for not talking to me.

"Don't worry, it has nothing to do with your relationship." I tried not to let the sarcasm drip into my voice.

"So you admit that there is something wrong?" Shit, he backed me into a corner. What could I say that doesn't make me sound an absolute attention whore?

"I just haven't been feeling 100% recently; most likely a lack of sleep." I told him a half truth. I mean, I hadn't been sleeping, but that's not the problem. I could almost hear him thinking over the information.

"Wait, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry," he started vigorously apologizing. I was so god damn confused.I just wanted to be left alone.

"Why are you apologizing. You've done nothing wrong?" I asked. Please let me leave soon.

"We've been keeping you up so you can record with us, haven't we? I'm so sorry. Sometimes I forget about time zones and you're so much fun to record with." He started talking faster and faster until I couldn't understand a word he is saying.

"Chill. It's not your fault or anyone else's, I've just been really busy recording." He didn't need to know that I was terrified to fall asleep to the night terrors that plagued me.

"Oh, still sorry. I feel like we haven't been there for you recently. Maybe we should all meet up together sometime soon." I could hear Vik's voice go from apologetic to excited.

"Erm- I- I can't," I blurted out. I didn't want them to see my in the state I was. I didn't want to have to witness Vik and Preston being all cuddly and shit. It was bad enough seeing them kiss once. Once. Just the idea that they're dating made my mood plummet into oblivion.

"Why?" Vik questioned, sounding hurt. I heard a muffled voice talking from Vik's end. "Oh, okay. I'll be downstairs in a second." Who was he talking to?

"Sorry," I breathed.

"I have to go. Bye, Lachlan." Then he hung up.

I was officially done. Absolutely done. After five months of denial, I finally accepted that I was in love with Vik. After finally accepting that, I got a text from Vik telling me that he and Preston finally told each other that they loved each other. What luck.

A normal person would be happy for their best friend. I wasn't normal. I was a selfish freak who couldn't seem to get over the smallest things. 10% of me hated Preston, 0.1% of me hated the world and everyone else in it, and 99.9% of me wanted to die.

LachlanYT: I don't think I'll be able to get a video out today. So sorry.

TBNRfrags: LachlanYT nuu but I love your Hunger Games

Vikkstar123: LachlanYT Feel better :)

MrWoofless: Vikkstar123 LachlanYT #Vikklan

Rob was annoying.

Tweets came rushing in asking if I was okay.

LachlanYT: Don't worry guys, I'm not sick. Today is just another off day ;-;

As soon as I sent that tweet out, Preston called me. Preston, of all people, was someone I didn't want to talk to when I was in a bad mood. But Preston was Preston, and if I didn't answer the first time, he would call until I did.

"Lachlan, what's wrong?" Preston immediately asked.

"I just don't feel well-" I began.

"You are full of crap, stop lying," Preston cut in.

"It's nothing more than me not feeling well," I told him.

"Lachlan, what's wrong?" he repeated, but in a softer tone.

"What's even the point?" I sighed. I wasn't going to tell anyone what went on in my head, especially not Preston.

"The point of what?" he urged, excited I had said something else.

"Anything," I mumbled, not intending him to hear.

"What are you talking about? Wait… Are you-" he started.

"Am I what?" I snapped. Did I really just do that? I was a fucking idiot. Now he knew something was definitely wrong.

"What do you mean 'what's the point?' Are you okay?" he continued.

"I'm fine. Just... really tired." Shit, he was never going to believe that.

"That's bullcrap, Lachlan. What are you talking about?" he told me.

"I just… You wouldn't understand. You barely even know what sadness is," I mumbled.

"What are you going on about? Tell me," Preston insisted.

"Have you… Is… It's not normal to hate myself to the point of death, is it?" I admitted. The words spilled out of my mouth before I could stop myself.

"Not this again…" I heard him whisper. He was so sick of me. Everyone was so sick of me. They were tired of hearing me rant about bullshit. "Lachlan… None of that makes sense. What's there so wrong about you?

"Nothing, nothing... Forget I said anything," I sighed, my lips turning into a frown. He was tired of me begging for attention, I knew it.

"This isn't nothing, Lachlan," he said, as if he were some cliche from a story. "Why would you ever hate yourself?"

"Just..." I let out a harsh sigh and picked at the lint on my sweatshirt. "I was born the way I am and I can't change it. I was born an annoying, gay, selfish asshole."

"You are none of those things," he reassured me, only making me think he was lying. "Well, except maybe for gay... But that's besides the point. You only think you're those things because that's what you tell yourself."

"I'm not the only one who says it," I pointed out.

"Don't tell me you're letting those stupid comments-" he started.

"No, nothing like that," I quickly interrupted. "That's dumb. What's so scary about some meaningless words on a screen?"

"Okay, so it's not the comments. Who would ever say anything like that to you?" he continued.

Him. I heard him say that I was selfish. He was annoyed with me. He didn't even say it to my face, but I knew he said it. I was in the next room. I ignored him and continued picking at my sleeve.

"Lachlan, at least tell me what you mean by 'to death,' please," he begged.

"It's quite self explanatory, isn't it?" I sassed, my attitude completely plummeting once he mentioned death. It sounded nice. Death.

"Lachlan... Don't think about that stuff, please. Are you... Thinking about killing yourself?" he pleaded. I gave a small noise that told him yes. "What would ever make you think that we would be okay with that?" What, was this his decision to make? "Think about how many people would miss you." I heard it all before. "Imagine us completely crushed, unable to cope without you." What was his point? "We'd check on your channel, desperately wishing that a video would be uploaded telling us it's just some sick joke you've been playing." Who is 'we,' anyway? "We'd pretend to be okay, but the moment we saw anything that reminded us of you - a Pokeball, a cartoon fish, that adorable little prince from Crazy Craft, or even hear an Australian accent - we'll completely break down." Was he trying to make me feel better by doing this? All he was doing was making me feel worse.

"What are you trying to achieve here?" I asked him, monotone yet almost angry. He ignored me and continued.

"And trust me, it'll take a lifetime to get over your death, no matter if it be soon or later. What other Australian am I going to banter around with? Who else would I be able to buy things on Amazon and send them to? And- and..." He paused, and I heard a slight sniffle. "Vik trusts you more than me. He wouldn't be able to survive without you, all too literally. I'll admit - and I hope that this doesn't seem conceited - that Vik has been happier than I've seen him in the past few months than I have before. Once in awhile, he's just under the weather and he doesn't feel like talking to me... He wants to talk to you, but he never does."

What? Bullshit.

"Look... I don't know what you're trying to make me realize, but... I just- you-" I stuttered out.

"All I want you to see is-" He abruptly stopped and I heard quiet talking in the background. "I- um... Okay, sure. Sorry, I have to go."

Then he hung up.

 _From: Preston Arsement_

 _'are you okay'_

 _'lachlan'_

 _'answer'_

 _'what's wrong'_

 _'did we do something?'_

 _From: Vikram Barn_

 _'Why won't you answer?'_

 _'Preston and I are worrying our asses off about you.'_

 _'It's been a whole two days.'_

 _'Preston hasn't been answering.'_

 _'Don't tell me I just lost the two most important people in my life.'_

 _'It's fine now, he's okay.'_

 _'Lachlan please.'_

 _'Preston and I are growing apart, I don't know what to do.'_

 _'He's been the only reason I can smile, now that you've been ignoring me.'_

 _'Did I do something?'_

 _'You haven't talked to us for a month. Please.'_

 _'I'm sorry. Whatever I did, I'm sorry.'_

 _'Preston and I just broke up. It was mutual.'_

 _'I miss you.'_

 _'I never told you how much you meant to me.'_

 _'I always trusted you more than Preston.'_

 _'Please.'_

His messages brought a bitter smile on my face. It was a bit late. I simply didn't touch my phone for a month. I was still uploading videos, but I ignored any attempts of contact from any of my friends. I didn't even call them friends anymore.

I could feel the pills I had just taken already taking a toll on me. I felt a bit lightheaded. My mind started to go numb, like my brain was falling asleep. Hopefully, it wouldn't wake up.

Without thinking, I selected Vik's contact info and called his cellphone. It was probably the ass crack of dawn there, but it wouldn't make a difference, if he answered or not. He answered immediately after the first ring.

"Lachlan?! Is this actually you?" Vik shouted, excited. Suddenly, his shouts turned to sobs. "Where have you been? Why haven't you been answering?!"

It hurt too much to think of a response. I couldn't bring myself to open my mouth and mumble a few words. My eyelids shut in the pain I felt in my stomach. Keep it in.

"Lachlan?" he whimpered. I wanted to respond desperately.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered.

Then I hung up.


	6. Silence (Vikklan)

_((Pairing: Vikklan  
Songs: too lazy to type it out... You'll see in the side note.  
Genre: angst - what else do we write?  
Side-notes: School and friends have been a bit too much, so wildwolfmb is pretty much taking over so I can work on that stuff and other stories. Thanks bb :D. I'm also not proof-reading anything xD. Here's her A/N:_

 _So I noticed a request for part two to Hang Up. Thou asks and thou shalt receive. Song references used: Car Radio by Twenty One Pilots and Goner by Twenty One Pilots Can't Help Falling in Love With You by Twenty One Pilots (I may have been listening to a playlist shhh)))  
_

Numbness. That one word encompasses all that I can feel. I may have been the first to learn but I can't tell them. It was noon when I got the call. It was from Lachlan's number so I picked up immediately. We haven't talked much since I got together with Preston and I couldn't help but feel really bad. Even after we broke up he still seemed so distant. I should have been able to piece together that he was going to kill himself. I guess it's not just numbness. It's also the feeling where your stomach is turning and feels like it's frozen over and being burned alive at the same time. I wanted to throw up, yet there wasn't anything there. There's no words to describe the absolute feeling of pain. I don't know how Jay managed to tell me the truth. Jay's even known Lachlan for longer than all of the rest of us. I need to tell the guys. It's almost as if there's a tiny shriveled and shredded piece of hope that this was some sort of prank or something. I knew somewhere in the back of my brain that as soon as I admitted it out loud that it would all come crashing down on me.

He can't be dead, my sunshine can't leave me. He's not dead, no matter what Jay told me he's still alive. Tears roll down my face, unaided by sobs. I stand up, sitting here will do me no good. I won't be able to find Lachlan and make him tell me about how sorry he is for pulling such a horrible prank if I just sit here and try to comprehend that he would consider doing such a thing. Walking through the house. Each hallway is a reminder of a different time that I was talking with him.

No I can't think like that when he's just a plane ride away. I need to face him and slap his beautiful, amazing, horrible, mean face. He needs to feel just a bit of this pain. I continue walking forward, down the stairs. Passing by the entrance way I stop for just a second to check for enough cash to make it to Australia. The numbness has encompassed my whole body. I feel like I'm a ghost. I only make it a few blocks down the road before I am able to hail a cab. As I sit in the back seat I reach into my pockets for my headphones. I need music to distract myself from this horrid prank.

Nothing. I left my headphone on my desk damnit. I have to sit in silence. I can't help but ponder something terrifying because this time there's no sound to hide behind. No white noise to drown out the thoughts of death and the ever rotating earth. Once the cab stopped I had mulled over all of the possibilities, besides the ones that involve a certain ray of love to be snuffed out. He isn't dead. There's no way. He's too good of a person to die early. As soon as I get a one way ticket to Australia I go to sit down on the seat bench. I still don't have shoes on, oops. The flight boards and I rest my head against the window. My eyes droop and I can feel my consciousness fade out of reality. I'll be able to chew him out when I wake up. A small smile spreads across my face. I'll see him soon.

I can smell him. The perfect mix of everything. Never too much of an overpowering smell to make me cringe. He's so perfect even in scent. I never realized how much I loved him until this moment. Sleep had faded after just six hours. I still have sixteen more hours until I land in Brisbane. I miss seeing him on Skype. Even though I'm pissed at him I still miss him with all my heart. When I land I'm going to stay for a while after cool off. I need to reconnect with him. All the endless Skype hours of talking about nothing seemed more prominent in my mind then ever. I'm a goner, I wanna be known by his lips. I need to feel them. Hopeless love is the worst. His small quiff and perfect face. I need to feel his tall body wrap protectively around mine. I need the feeling of comfort that he can always bring to me through a screen. I guess I can't help falling in love. It's a painful process to fall in love.

 _*Buzz*_ I wonder what that sound is. _*Buzz* *Buzz* Buzz*_ it took to the last extended note for me to realize that I was my phone. Reaching into my pocket I check the call number. If it's Lachlan then I'll just ignore him. He needs a taste of his own medicine.

 _*Incoming Call From: MintyGreenMini_ *. Simon. I wonder what's up with him. There shouldn't be any reason for him to call me. Unlocking my phone I return the call to him.

"Vik!" he sounds really stressed I wonder if something's wrong. Maybe Lachlan pranked him too. I wouldn't put it past that jag.

"Where are you Vik?" he's almost yelling now. I left you a note. I'm heading to Australia to slap Lachlan. My eyes roll instinctively. Sometimes the boys are just so protective. I get that I'm the smallest, it doesn't mean that I can't take care of myself.

"Vik? Is everything alright?" weird I know I responded. Slowly I open my mouth. All that comes out is a small whimper. Flinching, I stare down at my lap. Why did I whimper, I'm fine. I'm just going to Lachlan. I clear my throat. That's not normal. Why is there a lump in my throat. I hope I'm not coming down with something. It wouldn't be fun to be in Australia for the first time and be sick.

"Vik, where are you?" I know that tone. He's going to keep the prank going. I know it. Lachlan must have contacted them. How dare he. This is too far. I angrily shut off my phone. I was going to just slap him, but now I was going to hit him until he understood even half the pain I felt clawing it's way through my body. The next hours pass in a flurry of revenge pranks. Every prank was detailed. It would take hours to do even one. Still he's not allowed to just mess with me like that and not expect a return prank. He took it beyond too far. I might even have to call on Joe Sugg for help. I mean he is the pranking king. I glance over at the window. I can just see the edge of Australia through the masses of dark storm clouds around us.

White noise slowly trickles its way into my ears. It penetrates the thick walls of nothingness I have built up around my mind. The murmurs come first. Sounding slightly concerned in the way that whispers and hushed voices do. All this barely noticeable, because of the swarming thoughts.

Energy is such a weird thing, it can fill you to the brim and make your heart race, but at the same time it can vanish leaving nothing. It only takes a millisecond. Noise is the same as energy. Sudden and overwhelming yet easily snuffed out. Sound is to light like noise is to energy. Almost the same. Both rise and fall never stopping to contemplate. Of course that's all this is, contemplation. Back and forth reality and thoughts. If stuck in thought reality kicks you awake.

Bright brilliant light. White spots dance across my vision like ballerinas.

Tiny sparks. The feeling of his hand in mine.

Silence.


	7. The Truth? (Lachlan)

_((Pairing: None  
Songs: None  
Genre: Angst  
Side-notes: Once again, neither of us really edited, so sorry if anything gets on your grammar nerves...))_

I hate how much it hurts to live. The hatred and utter despair that came with living. The pain of carving into my skin and drawing red lines with silver tools doesn't empty me like it used to. All I'm left with is emptiness. No one's found out besides my family. They noticed that I hadn't been talking to them when I wasn't faking a laugh and filming with the rest of the guys. Of course then it was bad. Very bad.

I had it all planned out. The date, the method. Pills; hanging is too scary, the idea of the breath being taken from my body it too much. No drowning either because it's too easy to fight back. I will take a bottle and slice into my veins at the top of the tallest building. If paramedics found me then I would have the injuries from the fall, the medicine pumping through my body, and blood loss. They wouldn't be able to save me from my death no matter what. I had just started writing my notes when they discovered. I was a complete dumbass and left my door open while I went out for the night. They must have found the one note that I had written out. Of course they confronted me. It was terrifying, I didn't want to talk about it. Even though in my note I had written that I wished someone had known, it doesn't mean that I wanted them to know. If that makes sense.

For a week after they found the old note in my room they always hovered. They made me not go on the internet, and they made me go through hell. Also called therapy. I don't like talking about me, even though I'm so damn good at it. It makes me feel dirty, like I'm being selfish for wanting to share my feelings. During that week they made sure to remind me that they wouldn't leave my side. Especially as "leaving me alone didn't work". Eventually my mom moved on. I convinced them it was the stress of youtube and now that I had taken a break from the stress it was fine. Lies. Why would I tell the truth though? They didn't care enough to keep their promise.

Of course I was relieved when they turned the wifi back on so I could finally talk to the pack again. They are the only reason why I stayed for so long. They seemed to love me. I don't see why though, I'm just a fuck-up of an Aussie who can't even do his damn job. The one saving grace about my parents finding my note was that I never wrote about my cutting. They never hid blades from me. I kept up the horrible habit, of course I'm not a dense idiot. Most of the time. I never cut on my wrists. Those could be found. I hide them on my hip, where no one would look, ever. Of course I had scars from when it all became too much and I just needed to slice it into my arm, but those were easily hidden with a little bit of foundation that I stole from my mom. It wasn't that hard to plaster on a smile with the rest of the guys. They could make me laugh until my sides hurt.

Vik must have noticed something was off first. It started out small with little hints that he would help if I needed anything. Eventually I cracked, I needed to speak to someone. I gushed to him that life was hard, and living was hard. I ranted about how much it hurt to live. I needed my secrets though, he didn't learn of my cutting or my suicidal thoughts. Preston surprisingly help a lot too. Vik told me that he had gone through depression too. He said that it used to be hard for him to get up and do anything. He told me that when he was at one of his lowest points he called Preston and he helped him through it. Even though Preston was never depressed, he still gave Vik a reason to live and smile. I was scared, I wasn't sure if I was ready to tell anyone the truth. Even if it was only part of it. I still told him. I fought through the fear and admitted that I was depressed to Preston too. Vik help so much, I felt bad for keeping some of it secret. That is until I told him all of it, all at once. I told him about how much I just wanted to die. Of course he consoled me and told me that it was all ok.

It was actually at one of Jay's infamous parties that I finally broke again. I'm not a social person, surprisingly. There were so many people. My anxiety was through the roof. I ended up on a stairwell in Jay's house. I couldn't talk to Vik as his phone only worked when I was in wifi, and sadly Jay was strict about sharing his wifi password. I texted Preston, I told him that I wanted to kill myself. I wanted just to end the pain. He panicked of course. He told me to call him as soon as I got home. I didn't want to. But still, as soon as I got home I called Preston's number and I told it outloud. My voice stopped and I stuttered a million times as I told him almost all of the truth for the first time vocally. It didn't help. It wasn't like some stupid ass story where I state my problems out loud and suddenly they cease to exist. It didn't change anything, I kept cutting and I kept wanting to die.

Another several months passed and eventually it was time for all of the Pack to meet up in London for the first time. I knew we would be swimming a lot as Rob loved to be in the water, that and water made me feel safe. I needed to tell Preston the final truth about me. He needs to hear it from me, not to see my old scars. I told him through text, like all my other shockers. He immediately tried to convince me not to. I promised him that I would try to stay clean but it's so hard when all I want to do is see my blood roll down my leg. I stayed clean for less than a week. I just couldn't live without causing myself pain. No one noticed, at least I had that one small relief. Several months of numb cutting, recording, and trying to distract myself and nothing had changed.

Except for one thing. I had always been a tiny bit pudgy, the guys said it was more of just that I was kind of soft. During the time of numbness I had started to eat more. I guess I used food as a distraction to try and keep my mind away from the bottle of sleeping pills. I didn't notice it until one of my tighter shirts didn't quite fit. It may have just been because I kept growing taller, but I saw it as the masses of fat on my body. The feeling of always being slightly uncomfortable in my clothes kept me from ever really feeling safe. That's when my addiction to giant sweatshirts started. I needed to hide the fact that I didn't have a perfect body from the rest of The Pack. It hurt to know that they were all so fit and handsome while I was left with so much fat and ugliness. I think it was around then when I discovered a new way to hurt myself. In all the tumblr stereotypical stories the depressed person cut and burnt their skin.

I knew that burning my skin would leave scars, fire victims were evidence enough of that. The idea came to be almost out of the blue. Candles. Their wax surely wouldn't leave permanent marks. I mean some people use it for sex so it shouldn't scar. I had three candles the first time I tested out my theory. On tall blue one, one smallish white one and one tiny white one in a plastic container, The tiny one wouldn't drip right so I moved up one forward to the white one. It hurt at first but it stopped after a little while. I was curious to see what would happen so I lit the blue candle. It hurt, a lot. It almost felt like my skin was being burned off and it made my arm clench and shake. That convinced me to stick to the white candles until I could work my way up to the blue.

It didn't take me long until I was itching to turn off my camera and roll up my sleeves to drip the liquid fire onto my arm. It also only took me a month or two until I was splashing large quantities onto my arm and only clenching in pain. It also took away the smell of blood from my room. Of course I told Vik the truth. I can't keep secrets from him anymore. He knows me inside and out. And as much of a burden as I was obviously being it felt good to talk to someone who kind of understood and could help me. The quality of my videos went down slightly and I completely stopped using facecam. I didn't need them to see my ugly round face. That and it made it so that I didn't have to constantly force a smile onto my face.

It had gotten better. I no longer cut everyday. I still dripped the molten wax onto my skin but that was more of a distraction to keep me from cutting. I had been a month clean. It was starting to look up slightly. Of course something was there to almost immediately tear me down to nothing again. It was a simple comment but it hit me hard.

THEGREENMAN (Road to 2K!): _'You must have stopped using facecam on your videos because you realized we don't want to see your ugly, fat face you fagg0t. Please leave. KYS.'_

It wasn't that the comment made me feel that bad it was the eight hundred thumbs up that made me go back. It started simple with cutting then I progressed straight back into my depression. I needed to get thin. I had to. I couldn't keep being so fat and hideous. The Pack hadn't even seen my face in the fast month. I needed to get thin so that when I finally came face to face with them again I wouldn't be the fatass. Rushing to my bathroom I texted Jerome.

 _From Lachlan:_

 _'Yes or no?'_

This was a huge thing to commit to and I was nervous I needed an answer. I promised myself that if ten minutes passed or if he texted yes then I would do it. If he said no then I would just do something else. I was counting down the time staring at the tiny numbers on my screen. Finally ten minutes passed. I guess that's a yes. This is hopefully a step in the right direction. I leaned over the toilet. This is probably going to suck the first couple times. I reached my hand back and pressed two fingers to the back of my throat. I scratched at the back of my mouth for a couple seconds before I broke down completely. I can't. I stood up shakily from the bathroom floor. Stumbling I collapsed onto my bed. The sobs started small but then they went to full blown rocking back and forth sobs. I almost didn't realize that I was muttering 'I can't' until my shaking stopped. Tears still streamed down my face but I was no longer sobbing my eyes out. Finally I got up the courage and texted Vik.

 _From Lachlan:_

 _'I can't'_

 _From TheStar:_

 _'?'_

 _From Lachlan:_

 _'I can't'_

 _From TheStar:_

 _'ok'_

 _From Lachlan:_

 _'I think I'm gonna go to bed I'm exhausted'_

I shouldn't have texted him. This is why I should leave. No one would miss me. My body still trembling I reach out to my left to where I keep my sleeping pills. I shake ten onto my hand, Picking up two I grab my water and swallow them down. I stare at my hand and contemplate it.

Should I?


	8. The Stars And The Clouds (Vikklan)

_((Pairing: Vikklan - I know there's a lot of Vikklan here. We just love it so much 3 If you want to request anything, feel free though :)  
Song: None  
Genre: Erm... not sure  
Side-notes: I really love this one))_

 _He always loved cloud watching._

 **He always loved stargazing.**

 _There was a beauty to the usually fluffy, white masses in the sky._

 **The pinpricks of light that seem like they are on the edge of your fingertip and yet a million miles away.**

 _Everything about them seemed indefinite, there was no right or wrong to them. He loved that._

 **Some say the sun gives them hope. But it was just another star.**

 _He always dreamt of someday touching one or, when he was extremely hopeful, walk on one. Of course he knew that it was unrealistic, but he could dream._

 **As he grew from a small child his goal was always to be closer to the stars, and maybe one day walk among them.**

 _He was always told to get his head out of the clouds, because that's where he was: in the clouds._

 **Others made fun of him for his wide eyes and his seeming innocence. But the wider his eyes, the more stars he can catch in them.**

 _People always thought it was strange for him to like clouds, a symbolic representation of everything that wasn't him._

 **Things were always busy. The movement of people in the city was a distraction. But the stars slowed time for Lachlan. They made everything seem alright.**

 _The differences between him and the clouds was what made them special. They were all that he wasn't._

 **Small and far away. They showed the truth of the universe. Maybe one day Lachlan would finish his life goal and join them.**

 _The clouds are different. They can hide yet always still tell the truth. Maybe one day Vik would touch his clouds._

 **To go up to the stars he would first have to plummet down. To the very bottom.**

 _Being halfway to the clouds really made them seem like so much more. To climb to the top first Vik would need to touch the grimy ground._

 _ **After this I will be with it. I will be where I belong. The tears will not be for nothing. I will make it to them.**_


	9. What Is It? (sequel to Hang Up)

_((Pairing: Vikklan  
_ _Song: none  
_ _Genre: angst (seriously, what else do we write?)  
_ _Side-notes: Seriously, thank wildwolfmb so fucking much. Like I am not writing much and she is basically carrying this book by herself. I haven't proof-read any of the next few chapters besides the one that I wrote, so whoops. I trust her enough xD. BUT SERIOUSLY THANK YOU BB))_

"Depression what is it? Everyone who doesn't know wants to, whether it be to better understand or to help. Yet everyone who knows what it truly is wishes they didn't. I know I wish I never discovered that little secret in life. For me depression is the inability to do anything. Some people see it as laziness but in actuality I can't see the reason behind anything. It hurts in a way that is indescribable to do simple tasks. It's also pain. The feeling where my chest is closing up and it feels like I'm drowning or being suffocated. I think that the worst thing for me is the guilt and loneliness. Guilt is self explainable, I'd gush out about my problems then feel guilt that I saddled someone with my useless problems. Someone always has it worse. Yet it's also guilt for feeling bad. Like a loop the feeling would progressively get worse. I would feel bad then do something bad, then I'd feel bad that I felt bad or that I did whatever I did. See the conundrum. Loneliness is less easily explained. I have friends, but at the same time I think I convinced myself that they hated me. As most depressed people do. I mean it's not my fault that they never noticed but it is my fault that they never even thought to look. I put on too good of a mask. I'm sorry to anyone who liked me, I'm not going to say this is a mistake or that I wish it could have gone differently. I don't regret anything except maybe dying earlier. I hope this finds you well. If you feel bad, get help dang it. Don't become as bad as I got. It hurts. Lachlan."

"Lachlan, Lachlan. He-he's dead. Killed by his own mind. I'm not sure if I can post ever again. I'm trying to heal but I loved him. Beyond a friend. I never got to tell him, even before he died I still couldn't tell him the truth. Three simple words and I couldn't say them. I can't speak for the rest of the pack but I know that I won't be able to even play games for a long time, so I am offically closing down my side channel for an indefinate amount of time. I may upload to VikkStar123 so you know I didn't follow in Lachlan's footsteps. You know I can't belive this happened. For the first week after I found out I never left my room. It was just some sick prank or something. Then it fully hit. He killed himself. I'm never going to hear his laugh or talk with him at midnight because he's bored in Australia and it's reasonable there. I won't be able to hear about fish ever again without thinking of his blue eyes. He was such a light in all our lights yet we never noticed how broken he was. I haven't even broken the news to the Pack. Shit, I have to go, they can't find out by this video. I'm so sorry guys, but it's bound to happen all things must come to an end no matter how beautiful they are. I know this video is rambly and unedited but I am still trying to come to terms with his death. Bye guys."

Tears, they are streaming down my face, the pain constricting my chest. It's time for the usual Pack Skype and I still haven't told them what happened. They must have noticed that something was up because both Lachlan and I have been silent for the past week or so. I slide quietly into the call.

"Does anyone have anymore news about Lachlan or Vik?" I am greeted by Rob's voice talking over Skype. My computer dings telling me that my video went live.

"Hey," my voice is quiet and breathy from the tears still streaming down my face.

"Vik! Where have you been, do you know what happened to Lachlan?" Preston's words jumble over themselves as all the facecams load in on my screen. I open my mouth to tell him what happened. No noise comes out though. I can't tell them. I can't do this.

"Watch my new video," my voice fades even more at the end. I can't just show them the video. This is wrong. They set up screenshare on Skype so they can watch it all at the same time. I shut down my brain and just stare blankly at their faces. It starts out with shock then moves to anger then pure sadness covers their faces. I can't stand to see them like this.

"No he can't be dead," Mitch sobs while he looks at me to tell him it's a joke. I just turn on my facecam so they can see my tears. I can't speak. I knew it would be hard to tell them, I just didn't know that it would feel like this. Maybe I understand what Lachlan meant. People want to find out what depression really is, but those who find out just want to escape from it. Escape doesn't sound too bad right now. I start full on sobbing. It hurts too much to keep to just small tears. I can hear Simon rush into my room but I can't respond. I feel numb. Arms wrap around me as I see Josh and Ethan standing in the doorway. I miss him so much. We'll never be the same again. I just hope we can all make it back together again safely after it's all said and done.


	10. Ouch? (PrestonTBNRfrags)

_((Pairing: none  
Song: none  
Genre: random?  
Side-notes: same as last chapter (I know, I'm lazy xD)))_

 _Preston POV_

I wake up slowly yawning and stretching. I am currently in Canada with the rest of The Pack for a convention. I glanced over at the clock in the hotel room and jumped up when I saw that it was already ten. Shit I was already late. I hurriedly got ready and rushed out the door. The convention center was a block away from the hotel so I didn't have to call a taxi. I bolted out the hotel door and ran as fast as I could towards the center. Somehow I managed to shave off two minutes from the time it took me to walk there yesterday. I glanced at the time on my phone and realized that I needed to get to the third floor as fast as I could as the panel was already started. I started towards the stairs as they would be faster than the elevator. As I was running up the stairs I tripped and fell backwards down a level. Luckily it wasn't that far of a fall so I got immediately back up and started jogging more cautiously up the stairs. Luckily I made it all the way up to the sixth floor where the panel was being held without any more accidents. I took a moment to catch my breath and casually strolled up to the stage where the rest of The Pack were hanging out obviously trying to stall the actual event till I got there. I decided to make a dramatic entrance so I snuck out behind the curtain. And looked out at the audience making the shushing motion with my hands and snuck out to behind Rob. I glanced over the crowd before smirking and jumping straight on his back. Rob screamed loudly and I started laughing hard.

"Your face," I laugh taking gasping breaths and pointing at Rob's now pouting face. He sighs and rolls his eyes picking me up and carrying me over to my seat. I grin up at him.

"Thanks honey," I tell him inwardly smirking at the "poofless" fans that were probably going mad with feels. I see a glint in his eyes and immediately the smile drops from my face. I glance around trying to find something before I find it. My eyes lock with Lachlan's begging him not to do it. He just smirks and dumps a bucket full of freezing water on my head. I overreact to the slight tingling that lets me know that the water itself is basically frozen. I stand up and grin again running over I wrap Lachlan in a giant hug he lets out a squeak and tries to push me off. I smile and we all settle into our seats and the panel starts.

I phaze out most of the panel itself my mind wandering back and forth on a bunch of different topics. I stay mostly silent before the viewer questions start up. Not that I pay much attention anyways. I don't have the widest attention span and I tend to just space out at panels. At the first conventions The Pack and the viewers were worried about me but after the fifth convention or so they just started to accept the fact that I was spacy af. I felt a nudge and I looked to the left and saw Rob and the rest of the guys looking at me concerned.

"Sorry I had a late night and didn't get that much sleep, what was the question?" I ask blushing at my inability to focus. Shit, again, I had forgot to take my ADHD medication to help me focus. I was too rushed this morning.

"I was wondering what everyone's favorite series was to film," a young feminine voice said from the masses of people. I think it over for a second. Before finally settling on one.

"I think I like filming Crazy Craft the best, but I enjoy playing factions more, thank you. Also sorry for spacing out again," I say grinning out towards where the questions come from. The rest of the questions pass quickly and I make sure to pay attention to each one. Not that my mind didn't wander a lot.

After the panel stops we all stand up and go down to the second floor where the viewers were mingling about. We hung out for a while together before splitting up into twos and chose somewhere to sit and just hang out. I choose to go with the Aussie so I could spend time with him. I shifted in my seat again. My arm had been feeling weird all day and I haven't had time to properly check it out. While sitting with Lachlan and when there was a lull in viewers coming over to get things signed and to simply talk to us. I love it when they hold normal conversations with us, it's really cool to connect with them like that. My mind wandered away before I shifted to the left and realized that my right arm still felt weird. I take my jacket off and check out my arm.

"Shit!" I cuss surprising Lachlan and shocking the people walking around us. I was known as The Pack member that didn't cuss so the fact that I did must have seemed really bad to the fans. I glance over to Lachlan grabbing his hand with my left hand and dragging him to the bathroom.

"I think I broke my arm," I tell him nervously showing him my right arm. It looked massively bruised and there was a slight bump on my arm where I could feel a shifting now that I was paying attention to it. Lachlan's eyes went wide and I think he started panicking because he started pacing.

"I'll call the ambulance do you think that you could call the rest of The Pack to let them know what is happening, or are you in too much pain?" Lachlan asks taking out his phone to start dialing. I knock the phone out of his hand and turn it off. I take his hand dragging him over to where my jacket was lying and I pulled it on so my arm was covered. He looks at me confused on how I wasn't screaming in pain.

"I'll explain in the car on the way to the hospital, also no ambulance, there's no need to panic the viewers," I tell him dragging him out of the bathroom to where there was a giant mob of people. It seems that the news of me cursing had spread through the whole room and to the rest of The Pack. They had grouped up together looking kind of confused. Lachlan took over and started gently moving his way through the crowd. He makes sure that I never move my arm thinking that I was in excruciating pain. I smile at his sweetness and just follow his lead. Once we make it to the boys he makes sure we are all there before walking towards the exit beckoning for the rest of us to follow him. The guys keep mumbling confusedly as Rob gets in the driver's seat and everyone else piles in the car trusting that lachlan had a good reason from taking us away from the convention. I take off my jacket in the heat of the car and so that I can check on the rest of my arm to make sure they weren't broken anywhere else. I move all of my limbs and cringe at the weird feeling in my ankle too. I guess I was too excited to notice the weird feeling.

"What is happening?" Rob asks starting off towards his house. I frown at Lachlan who is sitting next to me.

"Actually Rob, we need to go to the hospital," Lachlan somehow gets out before looking me directly in the eye. "On a scale of 1-10 how bad is your pain?" He asks me grabbing my face in his hands. I shrug before looking away.

"Also I think my foot is broken or sprained too," I say quietly. Yet the sound of my voice travels far in the car. It goes completely silent and I'm almost surprised that Rob didn't completely stop driving in surprise. The car quickly erupts into sounds as everyone starts panicking or throwing questions at me. I try to get them to shut up but they don't. Finally I just scream in frustration. They all get silent thinking it's me screaming in pain.

"Finally god dang it. Now Lachlan the pain's at a zero and rob don't crash the dang car, pay attention to where you are driving," I rant at them huffing at the end. They all look at me confused that I wasn't in any pain.

"What do you mean 'zero', you have one maybe two broken bones Preston," Lachlan asks me as if I could forget the weird feeling of bones sliding against each other.

"I know Lachlan I'll explain in the hospital after I get my arm and foot set," I tell them looking down. I don't want them to find out and think of me as a freak like all my childhood friends do. The rest of the car ride is in complete silence. Somehow Rob manages to get to the hospital after only ten minutes. Even though it was supposed to be a twenty minute drive. Vik gets out of the car with me to make sure that I don't collapse in pain or something. I limp slightly to try and keep my foot from getting messed up anymore than it already has. I walk all the way to the reception room with Vik trailing behind me as if to catch me.

"Excuse me, I know that my arm is broken and I'm pretty sure that my foot is sprained or broken too," I tell the lady at the front with a completely straight face. She looks up shocked before frowning at me.

"It's not nice to lie young man, I know you might think it's funny or something to make fun of hurt people but we don't condone lying about something like broken bones," she tells me with a strict face and an annoying tone. I sigh before I turn to the left to show her my right arm. She pales at the mess of bruises and such on my arm.

"Oh," She says just staring. Obviously it isn't everyday that you get someone with broken bones talking coherently but when have I ever been normal.

"Can you get a doctor or something?" I ask her sighing again at her. She seems to snap out of shock before she frantically makes a couple calls. A doctor rushes out of the back room with a stretcher that they force me to get on. They shove a needle into my arm and I feel a liquid pulsing in my veins before everything fades to black.

I wake up to a bright white room. I groan on impulse as I try to roll over onto my side. I am stopped from moving by two giant casts that seemed to be big bricks on my appendages. I groan as I realize that I am not going to be able to move or play games for a long time with the stupid casts.

"Hey Preston, how are you feeling?" I hear a voice ask me. That must be Rob. My eyes snap open and my body tenses when I realize what happened. My face is still almost completely shoved into the pillow and I shove it in further groaning again. My face frowns as I feel a drowsy, almost as if I was high. I sigh and bring my head up to look around the room. The Pack was sitting in chairs all around the room and they all looked exhausted. I glance over to my left to see an IV with a (color) liquid that I quickly identify as (Pain Killers). I sigh again and reach over with my bandaged arm and pull out the needle in my arm. All of the guys jump up in protest but I wave them off with my left arm.

"Its fine, all that will do is make me drowsy and loopy," I say frowning at all of them. They quickly sit back down and Lachlan looks up.

"What the hell has been happening?" He asks very obviously eager for answers. I sigh as I think over my options. I could tell the truth and possible be left by my only friends for being a freak, or I could lie and they could all leave me for not telling the truth. I run my hand through my hair trying not to freak out. My mind starts to wander down the path of them leaving me forever. Of course this makes me completely space out. I snap out of my thoughts when Lachlan shakes my shoulder.

"First of all do you think I could call for a nurse real quick I need to ask for something?" I ask them as if they were the ones with injuries not me. Rob nods and I press the red button near my bed. A nurse comes bustling in quickly.

"Hey do you think you could get me an ADHD pill so that I won't keep spacing?" I ask her completely ignoring the guy's confused looks. She gives me a quick suspicious look before deeming me to be tell the truth. The wait for the medication isn't very long and I quickly swallow them down with the water she gave to me. I could feel the weight of ten eyes on me. I shrug slightly and set the glass down before looking around the room nervously.

"Promise you won't leave me?" I ask them my vulnerability showing for a second before I quickly cover it up.

"We'll never leave you behind you cactus. A pack never leaves a friend behind!" Mitch says confidently. I smile at his confidence before I take a deep breath. I guess I have no choice but to tell them the truth now.

"I have a rare genetic disorder called Congenital Insensitivity," I tell them hiding underneath my blankets so they wouldn't look at me. I feel the silence descending and I start to panic slightly. They are going to call me a freak. Mitch was lying. They are going to walk out of my life forever.

"Is that so you can't feel pain?" Vik asks. I nod under my blankets and wait for them to leave.

"That makes so much sense," that's Rob. He doesn't sound mad or disgusted about my genetic disorder. I peek my head out from under the blankets and glance at the pack. They all look surprised and mildly concerned. Once I'm sure that none of them are disgusted I wiggle my way back up to a sitting positions and start fiddling with my cast.

"What's it like not being able to feel pain?" Jerome asks, curious about something so obviously different than what he knows. I shrug slightly not really sure what he's asking.

"It's normal for me, I've never been able to feel pain. The only thing that sucks is that I have to be really careful or else I'll get a fatal injury and not notice or something and end up dying," I say trying to forget that the doctor that I used to go to was convinced that I would end up dying before reaching 20.

"Also life expectancy is very decreased for people with it, mostly because we tend to do something crazy and die from it," I shrug again trying to brush off the fact that I was most likely not going to live too much longer.

"That's horrible. But that just means that we will have to make sure that you don't get hurt. I couldn't imagine us without you," Lachlan says obviously scared of losing me. I glance at his eyes and see that he is starting to tear up. I look down, I didn't expect them to react this well to my condition.

"So you don't hate me?" I have to ask, it's been my fear for so long that I can't help but think they do hate me.

"Why would we hate you? You're our best friend, it'll take a lot, and I mean a lot, more to get us to hate you in any way shape or form," Mitch speaks up staring at me weirdly. Rob must have gotten what I meant because he walks up right next to me.

"We don't think you are a freak, I promise Pressy, you're not getting us to leave this easy," he looks directly into my eyes and I feel a weight lift off my chest. After keeping this secret for so long, I'm glad it finally came out. I grin and snuggle my face into the covers. I'm so glad that I have these guys as my friends. I'm not sure I could have dealt with them leaving me. Even if one of us breaks or falls the others will pick them back up. I truly love them all.


	11. Long Distance (Vikklan)

_((Pairing: Vikklan (of course xD but seriously, you can recommend stuff and things)  
Song: none  
Genre: Angst  
Side-notes: same as last chapters))_

The only two things between us. Separating and forcing us to never touch. The mass of reality is more than enough. Yet adding on the truth that there's always going to be something. It's terrifying how two things can separate true love from meeting. I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted to fall hopelessly in love with my best friend. But love really is a mysterious thing. It makes your heart race. I guess in a way it's the best feeling in the world. The pure and unbridled happiness of being around him was more than enough. But love also causes all the horrible situations. Fear and pain. Not the two factors separating us but two of the worst feelings in the world. Somehow love can cause them both while still causing so many good and happy feelings. The fact that at one point or time either him or I would be dead, and the other one would still be alive was one of the bad things of love. I couldn't live without him. The comfort and happiness he has caused me has made me never want to leave, and it's made me wish for an eternity with him.

Time. It's always moving forward, yet the past is always there. The memories and echoes of the past are everywhere. A footprint where someone walked just a couple days ago. The stars are the most obvious of this. They are just reflections of the past shining forward to our lives in the present. In reality present doesn't exist but in our minds. Everything is processed slower and it takes time for an image of something to reach our eyes. So we are stuck in the past while our minds race towards the future. Not that time is anything more than a human conception made from trying to explain the way the world works. The concept of movement and the passing forward of all things. Time makes things age, it breaks apart everything. Time is the most destructive force in all of nature. I can destroy relationships and it can tear people apart. It keeps me from being with him whenever I want. What with timezones it's impossible to be with him. It's night for him when it's day for me. I want to stop time and talk with him forever. Everyone is always so focused on time and it causes so much stress. If you took a step back and looked at it perspective it might not be so bad. Maybe then we'd all be much happier. Not that it matters to time. It moves everywhere and is in constant play through all of existence.

Space. Everything, all of reality packed into one word. Well that or life, it's hard to tell. Space is the difference between here and there. It's the gap between everything, and the everything itself. Not just the place above the world that is so mysterious it is also the place below the sky. Space is land, it is mass, it is what everyone is made of. It separates and breaks things apart from each other. Space keeps things from connecting and makes it so that nothing can ever truly touch. It can make things pretty damn close but never really connect. The most mysterious thing in the world as well as the best known thing. Everyone knows what space is yet no one knows what it is. What is becomes and how it is. Such a weird thing packed into all that exists. It makes everyone wonder and become like a child again learning something new. It keeps me from being in as close to contact as I can with him. He lives all the way across the world so I can't hold him or cuddle him as he falls asleep.

That's the bad of love. The space and the time. Never being quite in contact and having your heartbroken every time it's brought up. Of course that doesn't talk about the good things but no one pays attention to them so why might I bring them up? Focus on what other people focus on and you'll be just fine. Oh yeah and don't listen to a word people say. They'll only bring you down.


	12. Selfish

_((Pairing: none  
Song: none  
Genre: angst  
Side-notes: WoOt I did something to contribute. Okay, so this one shot doesn't specify a person or anything, and I did that with the intention of the reader putting in whoever they want. I refer to them being a YouTuber because this is a YouTube one shot book but I think it'd still make sense if the person wasn't a YouTuber. It's a bit different :)))_

Reading through comments and even simply putting everything into perspective plunges me into a bubble I never want to leave. I hear and read a lot about how much I've helped people, about how much shit some people have gone through and how I helped them cope. It's hard to understand that. People go to me for comfort, someone who can't be there for them. Someone who's just another face in the ocean that we call the internet. Of all people, me.

So much goes on at once. While someone is happy, enjoying their life with the ones they love, another is surrounded by people who are hurtful and uncaring. I hear about all these stories, of all those unlucky ones who have these truly terrible situations. Situations where they're trapped, where they can't do anything, where _you_ can't do anything, where they're another story from the other side of the world. These people go through so much, but some can't bear to go through with anymore. No matter the case, you wish you could've helped. You almost pity them. They have every right to be broken down and fragile, and you want to do what you can to fix that. You want them to be happy, because they deserve it after everything they've gone through.

Then I think about myself, like the selfish person I am. I think about how I have so much in this world and how much I take it all for granted. It's hard to believe that anyone could look up to me. It's difficult to comprehend that I'm doing what I love for a job. It's impossible to understand why none of that seems to matter to me. Why do I get sad when I have all I could want, especially while so many people have it worse? It's selfish. It's so self-centered. Why can't I just be happy with what I have? Is it because I want more? What's missing? Why do I think the thoughts I think, when there is so much I could have to look forward to? Why does leaving everything behind seem so appealing, when there are so many people affected besides me? Why can't I think about someone besides myself?

It's so stupid, when you think about it. I'm just a lonely, little YouTuber with no friends. A little nerd who talks to a computer screen and a camera. But that little nerd has a fanbase, not a huge one but an existing one, and apparently it's not enough. That little nerd thinks that no one cares. No matter what people say or do, it seems like they all lie. The little nerd thinks the only way to show who really cares is to do something drastic, because that's what a selfish idiot like me thinks. All that would do is drive people away. Not that I would blame them in any way. It only makes sense that that would happen.

My brain would drown in my thoughts at night, keeping me up in the darkness. Pointing out what I said wrong that day, what I should've done instead. Coming up with reasons why someone didn't answer my text, if I was being too self absorbed or anything. Realizing why I spend so much time alone and why no one ever reaches out to me. Then everything ceases and I think about how stupid I am. That everything I do gets fucked up in some way, so I shouldn't bother pointing them out anymore. That I have no real friends, so I don't need to stress out about what they think of me. That I'm better off by myself, where I can't bother anyone. But this is who I am, and I can't change it, so there's no reason to hold back my thoughts. And everything circles back again.

Everyday starts and ends the same, as if I was living my life in a loop. I record a bit, edit what I have, post what needs to be posted, and sit around my house for the rest of the time. I can't bother myself to leave the house, so really it's completely my fault that nothing changes, but it just kinda seems pointless to try. During the day, my mind is clouded with how useless everything is. One day, I won't be anything. I won't be a YouTuber, I won't be a member of a family, I won't be a gamer, I won't be a friend, I won't be a memory. No one is going to remember me, and anything I've done - anything anyone's done - will mean nothing. Nothing lasts forever, and I sure as hell won't.

And I don't know why I've wasted so much of my life thinking I had it so bad. I wasted so much of my time bitching about how much I got pissed off by someone ranting about their life. I put so much of my energy into convincing myself that others didn't know what it was like to be me, and they don't, but not in the way I tell myself. I so desperately wanted to be different, to be unique, to be able to positively stand out. But I'm not unique. I'm nothing new. I hide behind labels and stereotypes and try to create someone out of it. But all I am is _me_. And I don't even know what I am. All I know is what I'm not.

I'm not caring. I'm not sympathetic. I'm not empathetic. I'm not understanding. I'm not smart. I'm not clever. I'm not funny. I'm not famous. I'm not appreciative. I'm not happy. I'm not optimistic. I'm not responsible. I'm not attentive. I'm not observant. I'm not in love. I'm not loved. I'm not worthy of love. I'm not worthy of attention. I'm not worthy of happiness. I'm not worthy of understanding. I'm not worthy of empathy. I'm not worthy of sympathy. I'm not worthy of care.

So now, I leave myself, exposed and bare to the bone. I leave my raw emotions to be found by someone else. I leave you to judge me and criticize me, to yell and scream at me. I leave you to judge lie to my face and pretend that nothing is wrong or that this is normal. I leave you to hate me and be disgusted by me, and realize how horrible I am. I leave you to call me whatever you want.

No matter what happens, I'll pretend to be what I'm not. I'll do what I'm able to do to the best of my abilities. I won't break down and I won't fall apart in the awareness of others.

I'll expose my selfishness, and walk out of your life while I still can. Because if you're reading this, it must mean that you found this in some way. It means that I mean something to you, whether good or bad. Whatever the case, let me go. It'll be easier that way. I know you understand.

Sincerely,

a lonely, unhappy, selfish little nerd


	13. Teams (NoochZahHutt)

_((Pairing: NoochZahHutt  
Song: none  
Genre: angst and fluff - this is a change  
Side-notes: So wildwolfmb wrote this because I had some testing for school today from 7:45 AM to 10:30 AM and she wanted something for me to look forward to after it. Thanks bb :D Serious though, what messed up school has testing on a Saturday morning?! _

_Also, in case it gets confusing, it's about H3M. If you're not watching it then you're dead to me xD_ _)_

I sighed as I felt my body squeezing and twisting through the air. As the void twisted and warped my body I recalled my last season on The Server. At first it had been fun, building a giant treehouse that I had always dreamt of as a young kid. Then _they_ started the war. I guess it was inevitable but it hurt to see the blood and destroyed terrain littered in the aftermath. The assassin had managed to seriously injure me once or twice, but I managed to get away without having to go through The Warp. When people die on The Server they aren't actually dead, after all _they_ couldn't have us leaving the show. I remember what happened on the first world when they all ended up dying. It still hurts to remember that day. Grunting in pain my body stop twisting. Sweeping immediately into a fighting position; I see that we are in a village of sorts. It must be the Hub where we are placed back in after The Warp. Glancing around me I see that everyone has a hue around them. Glancing down I notice a pale red sheen surrounding my body. I straighten out of my stance as I see more of the usual crew being brought in from the old world. My eyes catch on a small shimmer of metal by a wall of signs. My breath hitches as I look for some sort of hue around him. For some reason I can't see anything there. In the first world of this hell I had fallen in love with the kind boy and in the most recent world we had admitted that we loved each other. I try not to look too excited running up to him. The other guys didn't know that we had been going out, because we didn't want them to react badly to it.

"I guess I'll go on blue because I see way more red," his voice pierces through me. He chose the wrong team. I hope we can fix this, I mean it wasn't that battle based last season, it has to be ok. I can't lose him. Walking up slowly I hide behind Choco, I don't want him to know that I am on team red until I know what that means for us. My breath hitched slightly as I see the words "kill on sight". I can't kill Mat. I could barely hold it together when we were pretending to raid and attack each other. I can't deal with having to kill him whenever I see him. Following Choco over to the red team I try not to burst into tears. I can't have my team know something is wrong. Glancing over at the mass of faint blue I let a single tear fall down my face. _I'll miss you Matty_ I think as I turn back to my team, a determined look plastered on my face.

* * *

My head whips up from it's slouched position when the alarms blare quietly letting us know that Mat crossed our bridge from The Hub. I immediately jump up and force the stiff leather over my body. I skirt around my teammates questions as I rush to get everything together. It had only been three days since we were forced into this new world but it felt like years without Mat by my side. It also didn't help that the monsters just kept coming. All in all I needed an escape, and hopefully Mat would provide me with that escape, as he has done a million times in the past. Running out the door I sprint through the forest separating our treehouse from the bridge to The Hub. I look all around me as I sprint, looking desperately for a tiny glimmer of silver. Sadly all I see is warped monsters and the natural terrain. I speed up as I see the bridge, I have to see Mat's face. I manage to make it over the bridge and into The Hub in record time. I slow down as I reach the trading post. Realization suddenly strikes me, he might not be alone. I quietly cuss as my ear chip crackles to life.

"Pete, kill him," Choco's voice comes through the chip slightly distorted by the distance between us. I only nod, my chip picks up the purposeful gesture and sends the nod to all of team red's ear chips. I tap my ear to silence anything else from the world coming through. Glancing around the wall I only see Mat standing in front of a villager making a trade with him. Running forward again I wrap my arms around him from behind. My face shoves itself into his clothes as he stiffens in surprise.

"Pete?" He asks turning around in my grip so I'm now giving him a full blown hug. My breath hitches and I start to cry slightly as his soothing voice sooths my racing mind. "Brandan what's wrong?" His concern bleeds onto his face and I only shake my head and hold him tighter. Sighing, he starts to gently hum a lullaby. A tiny smile makes it's way onto my face as I recognize the song as the very first song we listened to together back forever ago. My body starts to collapse from exhaustion as Mat starts to sit down with me still in his arms. I have been running myself into the ground the past couple days and sitting here with Mat I feel the realization fully sink in. When we are done hugging and kissing I would have to kill him for my team. My tears come full force now as I pull back slightly to look into Mat's eyes. I see only understanding as I search for any hint of hate or uncertainty. Mat reaches out with his hand to brush away my tears. I lean my face into his soft hand and a small smile curls onto my face. I barely even have time to register the fact that I had stopped crying before Mat's lips crushed mine. Sighing into the kiss I press harder against him. I don't want this moment to ever end. Happiness explodes as I sit comfortably in Mat's lap and kiss him fiercely. Nothing else matters except for this moment. I smile slightly as I feel the love and regret being poured into the kiss from his end. I push just as much love back at him and feel his mouth curl up into a small smile. _When we escape from this I will never take the little moments for granted_. I love him so much.


	14. Pokemon (Vikklan)

_((Pairing: Vikklan  
Song: none (if anything the OG Pokemon theme song just because xD)  
Genre: fluff :D  
Side-notes: this is really one of the first flat out fluffs I have done and I'm proud of it so yay!))_

Asking Lachlan to stay at the Sidemen house for a while was probably one of the best decisions I had ever made. As much as I didn't mind, everyday was like a repeat of the other and I thought it needed a change for a little.

The two of us had been dating for nearly a year at that point, but we still hadn't told anyone. That was why Lachlan couldn't share a room with me. As we were figuring out where Lachlan would sleep, Simon suggested he sleep where Harry does when he's over (which is just a mattress on the floor in the room with the ping pong table) and we couldn't really argue without giving ourselves away. We didn't have a guest bedroom and we couldn't even argue that it was crappy place for the guest because it was actually a really freaking comfortable mattress. Sneaking around would probably end badly, since one of the guys was usually awake for some reason.

There's something with YouTubers and not sleeping that go hand in hand.

On the fourth day he was here, I actually fell asleep at a proper time. That was such a rare occasion for me, so when I was woken up by a knock on my door, I was quite pissed off. I ignored it at first, but a minute or so later there was another soft knock.

"What do you want?" I groaned, rolling into my stomach and putting a pillow over my head. I heard the door slowly open, but I didn't bother to check who it was.

"O-oh, you were sleeping. Sorry, I'll go now," they mumbled. I quickly recognized it to be Lachaln's voice, so I hurriedly pushed myself to be sitting up.

"No, no, no, it's fine!" I shouted, suddenly very wide awake. I took a second to look at Lachlan, who stood in the doorway with just his boxers and a _very_ baggy sweatshirt. His sleeves fell down past his hands and his hair was just a little messier than it normally was. He was so adorable.

"No, you were asleep, it's okay. I'll see you in the morning." He gave me a small smile and turned around to leave.

"Seriously, Lach, it's fine. What's up?" I saw him hesitate a little before he decided to come in and sit on my bed.

"I was just... unable to sleep and I wanted to see if you- um- wanted to play Pokemon..." His head was drooped down in embarrassment and I could just see his blush, even though it was dark in the room.

"The amount of cuteness you are giving off right now is making me want to explode." A smile spread wide on his lips.

"I'm just the cutest," he joked, putting his hands under his chin and batting his eyelashes.

"Yes, you are. And what made you want to play Pokemon at," I paused and checked the clock, "five AM?" He shrugged and blushed, before his

"I was thinking about you," he started, setting up what seemed like a cheesy statement, "and how I so badly want to beat you at something. So I thought, 'What's a game I'm good at?' And at first, I couldn't think of any, but then I remembered how my YouTube channel became popular. Pokemon!"

"That went from zero to one hundred real quick," I laughed, giving him a shove.

"Yeah, well, why do you have to be so freaking good at everything?" he shot back, pouting.

"Why are you so bad at everything?" I teased. His smile fell for the slightest moment, and suddenly guilt washed over me. "I'm sorry, I was just joking."

"It's okay, I know that. Both those things," he said, his smile just as wide as it was a second ago. It hurt me that he could say things like that and seem completely unaffected.

"Lachlan, I was only joking," I repeated.

"I know, it's fine," he insisted. He paused for a few seconds before he sighed. "So, do you want to play Pokemon or not?"

"Sure, bring it."

After getting my ass kicked twelve out of fifteen times, I noticed the small bit of light that was now in my room.

"Vik, let's go again," Lachlan said under his breath, tugging my sleeve. "What's wrong?"

"Babe, the sun is rising," I responded.

"Oh, damn. Our sleep schedules are fucked," he breathed.

"Hey, let's watch it rise together," I proposed. He nodded, and we shifted around so that, eventually, we were both facing my window and my head was on his shoulder. Sometimes I hated our height differences, but times like that I loved it.

"You know, most couples would watch the sunset or stargaze, but we're not most couples. We play Pokemon and watch the sun rise," he stated, wrapping his arm around me.

"Those couples are lame," I joked.

"But you love the stars," he pointed out.

"Not my point."

"But that's what we did on our first date. Remember?" He knew I remembered, but I could tell he was about to retell it and I loved listening to his voice, so I stayed quiet. "We had known each other for a while, but the only time that we had seen each other in real life until then was at MineCon. It was a long enough time for us to develop feelings for each other and for Simon and Preston to sell us out."

"Seriously, why did they feel the need to tell? I was fine with just Simon knowing and you were fine with just Preston knowing," I interrupted.

"Because they knew if they didn't completely betray us, then this moment would never have happened."

"You're so sappy that you're almost more Canadian than Rob," I teased.

"Well, I took us stargazing for our first date, so yeah, I'd say I'm sappy as fuck."

"You can finish your story now."

"Nah, the moment's over." We both looked at each other for a second, then burst into laughter.

"Those lame-os that watch the sunset got nothing on us. We're romantic as fuck."

"Yeah, we're romantic, nerdy, weirdo gamers that are head over heels for each other."

"I love you," I sang.

"I love you, too," he replied, kissing the top of my head.

The two of us stared out the window in silence for a little while. To me, it felt like all the words that needed to be said in this moment had been said. Lachlan's presence and touch was enough to keep me happy, especially since we so rarely get to see each other.

"Hey, wanna play COD?" I spoke up, ending our silence. He let out a small laugh.

"Sure, but only if we play Zombies," he said.

"Then let's go."

"Vikky, I'm tired," Lachlan mumbled.

"But we're on round fifty-three," I complained. I turned around to pout some more, but Lachlan was already asleep.

A smile found it's way onto my face and I paused our game. I was sitting on his lap, since we didn't care for getting another chair, so I moved my body around to be cross-legged and facing him.

"We can continue the game in a second, just let me close my eyes for a bit," he murmured, only half awake.

"It's fine, let's just sleep," I told him. He gave a lazy nod, and I let my body fall into place with his.


	15. Quitting (Lachlan)

_((Pairing: none  
Song: none  
Genre: angst  
Side-notes: I've had this idea for a little while now, and Lachlan's new H3M episode (from today) pushed me to write this :/))_

"Hey guys..." I breathed, looking straight into the camera. After a quick second, I looked away, towards the ground. "The only way I can start this video is by saying sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I don't' even know why I'm making this into a video, it may be best to just let you guys figure it out yourself..."

A shaky sigh escaped my lips. This would go badly in so many ways. People would accuse me of being anything from selfish to lazy. They would incessantly make fun of me, like they did Preston. My friends would make fun of me, too. I'd be drowning in the amount of solo videos I'd have to do. Everyone else would be busy with H3M, while I wouldn't. Besides that, I'd beat myself up to a pulp. I'd realize how much I let everyone down, simply because I couldn't push through.

"I... I'm q-quitting How to Minecraft," I stuttered. "I'm sorry, guys. I'm so, so sorry. I have excuses and explanations, so if you're not mad enough already then let me explain myself."

Hesitantly, I collected all my thoughts. I gathered up my reasons - reasons that would never be good enough to make up for what was happening. Never would I be able to make up for what I was doing. With all my hesitance and fear, you'd think I wouldn't follow through, but everything - at the moment - seemed to outweigh them.

"One of the biggest things is that I'm not having fun. It's basically the root of everything. Yes, I suck at Minecraft and, yes. this is a difficult series, but the thing that makes it just that slightest bit easier is being online with other people, and that's never the case with me. I'm just never able to get on at a proper time. It's not even like the stream time is a bad time, it's pretty decent, but my sleep schedule is so messed up. It's never consistent to start off with, but waking up or generally being awake at six is hard for me.

"Not being able to record with people is no fun in itself. It's boring content if it's just me, talking to myself and dying. When I record with Preston or anyone, you get that added bonus of me talking to people and dying. Again, I suck at pretty much everything, and me dying in the game is nothing new. I'm getting sick of forcing myself to be happy as I'm absolutely hating every minute of recording. I'll admit it firsthand:I get really salty about things really quickly. I know that and I know that you guys know that. Please, understand that I'm just another guy, definitely no better than any of you, who hates that he's so horrible at a game.

"With the game being so difficult, I can't really - personally, anyway - enjoy it. The things that made series fun for me were those tiny, insignificant things, like having DJ Skellex around and those Darude Sandstorm fishing sessions I used to always have. I can't really do that in H3M. I know it's because the game is supposed to be more difficult, but that doesn't mean I'm magically better at the game. Spoiler alert: I still suck at the game. I have the last two reasons. The reason I enjoyed those small things is because they're easy to do. It's hard to mess up fishing, and now fishing doesn't serve that big of a purpose.

"And the teams... I love that there's more organized warring - I mean, it was a mess when Preston killed my horse in the first season. I miss those days. Anyway, it's just too much separation for me. I miss living in the Salty Lagoon with Vik, and turning his Nemo upside down. Remember when Tyler made the Vikklan sign above our houses? Don't get me wrong, I love the guys on the red team, but the guys on the blue team are just as important to me. I'm really over exaggerating this, but it just feels like there's only supposed to be war. I know that we can make temporary alliances and stuff, but it's temporary. 'We're friends for this long before I can kill you on sight again.' I can't go onto their side to mess around without them thinking I'm leading an attack or something - who would put me in charge, anyway?

"And... I'm sick of being the dumb one. I do stupid things, that's just how I am, and that's why I don't belong in a more serious series. I can't do serious things. I always find a way to mess it up, whether intentional or not. I joke about it myself, but I don't want that to be who I am. I know I'll get all these other insults for deciding to quit H3M, though. I'm not a usually serious person unless I'm pissed, and you can't afford to be joking around on H3M. It'll royally screw over your team. It's come to the point where my teammates just don't listen to my ideas. I'm not serious, but once in awhile I may say something that's helpful. Do you know what I mean? I don't want everything I say to be taken as a joke."

That's when I turned off the camera. My eyes had began to sting, and I didn't want to cry on film. I didn't need people to make fun of me for crying as well. I wasn't sure I'd even be able to handle the anger and hate that I knew would be thrown at me.

Quitting was a huge decision, one that I had thought a lot on. Preston seemed to do it so easily, not as an insult in any way. I respect why he quit Crazy Craft, and how he was able to deal with all the "Preston is a quitter" shit. I wasn't sure I could do the same, though. Crazy Craft was big, but nowhere near the HTM series. The fact that we've been able to do three seasons of it is proof enough. More people play on the H3M server, and more people watch the videos of it. More people invest their time into the game, and more people are okay with that. If I wasn't doing those videos with them, I'd pretty much be left on my own.

It was already hard enough trying to adjust my sleep schedule to fit whatever I needed to do, but no matter what I could barely find time to just talk to my friends. Recording with them was fun, sure, but it was different when I was holding a normal conversation with them. I didn't want to completely rid of the ability to just record with them, never mind talking to them. And deciding to quit, I'd be opening a door of ridicule for them, whenever we would get the chance to talk. It was how they worked. They'd finally gotten over Preston quitting H2M and Crazy Craft, but that was mostly because of how Preston was. He's one of the few YouTubers I have met that is able to put his needs before the viewers' every once in awhile. But me, I'd just be someone who wasn't able to handle the little responsibility I had been given.

Hundreds to thousands of dollars had been spent on setting up the server and keeping it up-to-date with viewers' requests, and I'd be disrespecting that. Was I better than what the server has? Not in any way. It just tied back to me being shit at the game. I hated it, and I hated forcing myself to pretend I was having fun. I hated forcing myself to record a full-length episode, only for me to scrap the footage. I hated how I so quickly embraced that I would get the most deaths. I guess I'd never make the one-hundred deaths I said I'd probably get by episode twenty, considering I'd probably never make it to episode twenty.

One outro and uploaded video later, I found myself in a Skype call with the Pack. And man, they were pissed.

"What do you think you're doing, Lachlan? You just threw our team into chaos!" Jerome just about shouted.

"Lachlan, I don't understand why you went that far," Rob told me.

"Does this at all relate to any other problems you're having?" Vik asked.

"Stop, guys. Please," I mumbled.

"Why didn't you tell us that you were thinking about quitting before you did?" Mitch questioned.

"Because I knew this would happen. You guys will interrogate me, scold me, tell me I'm wrong - everything. I just know I'm sure of what I did." In all honesty, I wasn't. I wasn't sure of what I did. I was already starting to regret it.

"At least tell us why you quit," Jerome insisted.

"Judging by the fact that you guys know, I was under the impression you guys watched the video. Was that not enough explanation?" I sassed.

"No, no it wasn't," Vik snapped.

"I wanted to be first in something, so quit the series before Preston did," I retorted, glaring at my screen.

"If this is about not being the best-" Preston started.

"Well, it is! I am shit at the game, so therefore it's not fun. I literally have to force myself to record everyday, and I don't even post what I record! People don't even like my videos enough to care, anyway," I interrupted. "I seriously thought that the video was thorough enough."

"It was, for the viewers. Give us the explanation you intended to give to us, your friends," Mitch answered.

"You want my honest reason?" I asked, frowning. The reasons I gave in the video were all honest, but more - personal - reasons were floating around my head. "This is the start of me understanding myself. And I hate every bit of what I've realized. This is me, running away from my insecurities. I'm slipping away from what was important to me, because 'difficulty' is getting in the way. I hate what I'm doing and the way I'm doing it."

"Lachlan..." Vik sighed.

"Save it. I need to be alone for a little," I breathed, hanging up.

I just admitted things I didn't realize I was thinking until then. Maybe YouTube _was_ getting too much for me. As much as I loved it, it wasn't fun anymore. That plus the general not-okay feeling I had been stuck with for the past week was mixing together to make a mess. Confusion was swirling through my head for the longest time, until that moment. The realization punched me in the gut, but I knew how true it was.

H3M was the start of my understanding that I loved a job I couldn't handle. _  
_


	16. Bad Day (Vikklan)

_((Pairing: Vikklan  
Song: none  
Genre: angst and fluff  
Side-notes: I've tried fluff again :D actually quite proud of myself))_

Today had been complete shit so far. Despite the fact that I was staying with the Sidemen for a while to spend some overdue time with Vik, I was going absolutely insane.

To start off the day, I was abruptly woken up by Simon after half an hour of sleep. The whole night and part of the morning was spent editing videos and trying to recover corrupted footage. By the time I was woken up, I couldn't be bothered with sleeping anymore. Then at breakfast, I managed to cut a large gash on my hand while trying to help cook. I easily cleaned up and bandaged the cut, but it hurt like hell, so I gave up on eating and decided to try and record. The guys had been kind enough to make a recording set up with the old things they didn't use anymore, which was actually better than my set up at home. However, I of course managed to delete two recordings and another one somehow got corrupt. To top it all off, while editing the one recording that wasn't ruined, the software crashed and corrupted the audio in the video, leaving me with nothing to post. By then, it was about five PM, and I was ready to give up.

With my hair a mess from running my hand through the it out of frustration and stress, I walked out of the basement and headed towards Vik's room. I was pretty sure that the only thing think that could cheer me up was my boyfriend. He had a sort of schedule, and he wouldn't be recording at five. He live streamed H3M around eight or nine, so that left about three hours that I could spend with him. I silently knocked on his door, waited for a quiet "come in," and went in.

"Hey, Vikky," I greeted, my tone dejected and tired.

"Hey, Lachlan. Did you need something?" he replied, completely distracted.

"I was wondering if we could just... I don't know. Are you busy right now?" I asked, taking a seat on his bed.

"A bit. I'm trying to get things sorted on the H3M server and organize my faction's base at the same time. Why?"

"I wanted to know if you... could just cuddle right now?" I was embarrassed at how childish I sounded.

"I can't right now, Lachlan. I have a lot to do before I have to start setting up the live stream," he told me.

"Can I just stay here, then? While you work?"

"I need to focus, sorry," Vik quickly answered.

"Okay then... I'll be downstairs if you need me," I mumbled, a frown settling into my lips.

"See you later, Lachlan."

A quiet sigh escaped my lips as I made my way back to the basement. I was really looking forward to just being around Vik. It wasn't like I didn't understand that he needed to work, but the needy and selfish part of me was still stuck on how Vik could have made my day better. Damn, the needy and selfish part of me was annoying as hell.

It was stupid, but I let my day become even worse. My thoughts were spinning in an unorganized mess, but somehow it kept circling around to Vik. Did I annoy him too often? I knew he overworked himself more often than not, but that's what kept him sane. Of course, he could do with more sleep, but he loved doing what he did. It just seemed like I tried to interrupt that, and that made me annoyed with myself.

I let my head rest on the desk, although I didn't feel tired. I probably should have been tired, since I was running on thirty minutes of sleep, and for once I was complaining about not being tired. If I was tired, then maybe I could sleep away today's frustration. Yet here I was, wide awake for some odd reason and on the verge of losing my mind. Suddenly, I let out a loud sigh and banged my head against the desk.

Footsteps came rushing down the stairs, followed by Simon's voice asking, "Is everything okay, Lachlan? It sounded like something fell."

"Yeah, I'm fine. That was just me, hitting my head against the desk." My voice was monotone and quiet.

"Are you okay?" Simon walked towards me and put his hand in my shoulder.

"Yeah," I repeated in the same tone. "Just a shitty day."

"Why aren't you with Vik, then? I know that you're always happier around him," Simon pointed out.

"He's busy right now. I already talked to him."

"That's not right. He's your boyfriend and he should be here, cheering you up." I looked at Simon to see him with a disappointed look on his face, accompanied by a frown.

"It's fine, really. He has work to do," I signed, barely attempting to calm Simon down.

"What's he doing that's more important than you?"

"His life, Simon. I'm not the center of his universe, nor should I be. YouTube is the most important thing to him, and he's trying to set things up for tomorrow's videos," I told him.

"I understand that you're talking about how you sometimes need to put your own needs in front of other's, but it seems like Vik spends more time working than anything. You hold a place in his life and he definitely holds a place in yours. He should at least spend time with you when you've had a bad day. I'm going to talk some sense into that idiot," Simon insisted, walking out of the room before I could protest.

About ten minutes later, Vik walked in. There was an embarrassed and guilty look on his face. I had no clue as to what Simon said to him, but if it made Vik step away from his work to talk to me, then damn did he have things to say.

"Simon told me you had a bad day... Is that why you asked if we could cuddle?" Vik began, breaking the moment of silence. "I'm sorry I so quickly denied, you know how I am."

"It's okay, Vik. It's not a big deal. You can go back to work, if you'd like," I lied.

"No, I've already left my desk, it can wait. Tell me about your day? What's made your day a bad one?" Vik took a few steps toward me, then sat on the desk, right next to the mouse.

After a moment's hesitation, I gave in and spilled. I told him about all the shitty things that happened that day. It hadn't really clicked earlier in the day, but after telling the story, I realized that I hadn't eaten anything all day. Vik didn't realize either as I told him, which was good because I could already tell he was worrying his ass off about the little amount of sleep I got.

"That whole time you were talking, you didn't make fun of yourself a single time. The day must've taken a toll on you, then," he half-joked.

"A little, just a little," I sighed. Vik gestured towards my chair.

"Can I?" he asked. I nodded, and scooted my chair out a bit. He somehow managed to get himself cross-legged in my lap, facing me with his arms around my neck.

"How are you even staying on without slipping off?" I questioned, tilting my head in confusion.

"You're tall, and you have long legs. I'm tiny, and I am also leaning on this desk. It kinda hurts my back," Vik answered. As I turned the chair around so that the back of the chair was against the desk instead of him, I could feel him wrapping his arms around me a little tighter and his body get a little closer to mine. He looked up at me with the slightest bit of fear in his eyes, and I could tell he didn't want to fall.

"Don't worry, I'll help keep you up," I whispered, wrapping my arms around his back as support. His arms got a bit tighter around my neck, causing his face to get closer to mine.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I'll make it up to you," he promised, his voice quiet. Quickly, he pulled our heads together and I was met with the soft feeling of his lips against mine.

"You just made my day, Vik."


	17. Only In My Head (TBNRduty)

_((Pairing: TBNRduty - it's not Leston, okay? It just isn't  
Song: none  
Genre: angst (no fluff in here, sorry :/)  
Side-notes: I'm just pumping out these one-shots :D Also, the verb tenses are supposed to be like that. Some things happened in the past, and some things are still true or happening.))_

Ships. It's a non arguable part of any fandom. Whether or not the ships are canon or even close to being canon, they get created and (usually) people grow onto the ideas.

It's common knowledge (in the fandom, anyway) that Vikklan, Merome, and Poofless are the three main ships directly within the Pack. Of course, there are other ones, but those were the most popular, especially at the time that I subconsciously let myself fall apart. I couldn't help that it wasn't Vik that I liked.

Preston Arsement. He was always genuinely happy, with a contagious laugh and heart warming smile. His big brown eyes and dorky sense of humor made him well-liked, which was probably why I fell in love with him so quickly. But he's not like that anymore.

It was easy to get caught up in how he was on camera, though he wasn't necessarily a bad person outside of recordings. He didn't ever want to offend anyone, so he kept his opinions to himself. His friends were the only exception, but even then, he would only be honest if he was fairly certain they agreed or thoroughly understood.

Lachlan Power. That's me. Or, rather, was me. I was the only gay member of the Pack. Preston and Rob are both bisexual and Vik is pansexual, but I was the only full out homosexual. Mitch and Jerome were probably the straightest guys I knew, without being homophobic. It only made sense for me to end up in love with one of them.

Whereas Preston was always genuinely happy, I never really was. I wasn't usually happy or sad, or anywhere in between. It was almost like I was numb. YouTube made me happy - Preston made me happy - but it was never enough to not need to put up a facade.

The day everything fell apart was one of my worst, and one of his best. It was during the time I spent a month at Preston's when it happened, at a small, homely restaurant. Trust Preston to take me out to eat every morning, as if fattening me up like the witch from Hansel and Gretel.

We went to the same restaurant every day, for two reasons. One of those reasons was because it was within walking distance from Preston's condo. The other was because he had developed a crush on one of the waitresses. He was constantly talking about her, while I kept my mouth shut and listened to the man I loved obsess over someone else.

The past week or two, I had endured the two of them very obviously flirting with each other. It was only time that one asked the other out, and that time happened to be the day I was planning to confess to him. Of course I knew he liked her, but at the time, I saw it as an attempt to get him to chill with the flirting a bit. I figured that every time he would compliment her or something, he'd get reminded that I was there, and he'd feel guilty about how he made me feel. Jag move, yes, but it's not like I ever got to telling him.

The start of the bad day wasn't her giving him her number. No, that was an event that made the day worse. It was a little before, when it was just me and Preston having a normal conversation, that things went sour. Somehow, we had ended up talking about fanfiction and ships. There was no way that that could've ended well to begin with, but I didn't think it could end that badly either.

"Have you seen some the fanfiction that's been written?" Preston asked, disgust written all over his face.

"Hey, not all of it is smut," I pointed out, pointing my straw at him. He rolled his eyes.

"Sometimes even the well written ones are ridiculous. I mean, the ships they make up can get insane," Preston argued.

"Like what?" I challenged, raising an eyebrow. Sure, some of the ships were unlikely to become canon, but I wouldn't call it ridiculous.

"Like... Merome. I know it's been shipped since, like, forever, but Mitch and Jerome are straighter than..." He paused to think for a moment.

"Straighter than..." I repeated, gesturing for him to continue.

"Straighter than... a curtain rod, or something," Preston finished.

"A curtain rod? Really? Of all the things you could have said, a curtain rod?" I gave him a 'seriously?' kind of look. We both just laughed as he gave a small shrug. "But that doesn't make it ridiculous. So what if it isn't real or won't become real? Is it really all that weird to still imagine what it'd be like for it to be real?"

"Yes, it is," he insisted. I let out a quiet sigh.

"Why? Tell me, why is it weird?" His mouth opened and closed for a second, but no words came out.

"I-it just is!" he stammered.

"Okay, if you think that some ships are so ridiculous, then what's your least favorite ship?" I questioned. I expected a joke answer, maybe something about a ship involving Rob and how Poofless was too real for it, but it felt like my heart straight-up stopped when I heard his answer.

"Leston," he answered, without a second thought. Just for the record, the ship is TBNRduty. I don't know where he got this 'Leston' bullshit from, but our ship name hasn't changed since it was first created.

"W-what? Why?" I stuttered. My stomach was jumping around, in a bad way.

"It's just... I mean, no offense to you, you are a very lovely man," he explained, pausing to jokingly pat my shoulder, "but no way in hell is that ship even remotely close to happening. It's all personal opinion, I guess, but it's so weird to think about."

"Is it?" My voice was quiet, but I was pretty sure he didn't think anything of it

"Yeah, I can't imagine you and I together, in that way. It wouldn't work," Preston finalized.

Even now, I can barely remember what happened after that. I know that I went into the bathroom to momentarily get away, and I know that I didn't go so far as to crying. Vague memories of thinking about how I didn't deserve Preston and why I was such an idiot for letting myself fall in love are the only clear things I can recall. The next thing I clearly remember is what happened as I approached our table.

Seeing that waitress, whose name I forced myself to forget, give Preston her number and the looks on their faces killed me inside. A wave of jealousy washed over me, but guilt and regret was in the mix. I felt guilty for feeling the way I did; I wished I could all un-feel what I felt, to put it into simple words. I regretted not telling him how I felt, seeing as I had just lost the slightest chance I may have had.

The rest of the day went by in a distracted blur. No matter what I did, I couldn't stop thinking about the day's events. The immature and self-pitying part of me came out, full-fledged, incessantly telling me that the day couldn't get worse. But it did.

It turned out that the reason the two exchanged numbers was because Preston had asked her out on a date, for that night. He didn't officially tell me, since all I was given at the time was a shout that he was going out as he went through the front door. I didn't think much of it, until later that night, when I heard the front door open and two voices whispering.

That day wasn't my worst, just one of them, but I don't think I ever experienced a night worse than that one. Preston only had one bedroom, and my bed was the couch. I can only assume he forgot I was home or something, since the two of them headed straight for Preston's room. You'd think that your friend would remember that you were still in the house before he has sex on a first date.

After that, things went uphill for Preston and downhill for me. The more he talked about her and grew to like her, the more defeated my frame of mind became. A lot of me had just given up. Even my YouTube commentary became more strained and exhausted.

Preston got more distracted by her everyday. He didn't even notice when I had to fly back Australia. We had planned ahead that I would take a taxi to the airport and he knew the day I was leaving, but something else was obviously on his mind when he called me on Skype and asked where I was and when I was getting back while I was on the plane.

Each day, Preston called to tell me what was happening with his waitress girlfriend. Every call, I silently listened and responded like a robot. If something good happened, I congratulated him. If they got into a fight, I attempted to comfort him. Rarely anything I ever said were words I meant.

After a few months, I finally accepted the truth. That didn't mean I was over it and past the heartbreak, but I was no longer in denial. I understood that Preston and I weren't meant to get a chance. He deserved better than me, and it wasn't like that was a surprise. The only place where my feelings and thoughts could be returned - from anyone, not just Preston - was in a fantasy. Only in my head would I feel like things could go my way.

I guess I was too desperate and impulsive to stop myself on what I officially call my worst day. It was midday when I got out of my bed after a sleepless night to make the biggest mistake of my life. Unlike 'the day I fell apart,' I remember everything to painful detail. All the thoughts that swam in and out of my head still torture me. Sometimes I can feel my body dying all over again, even though I'm not alive. It's like this strange afterlife-type thing I'm now stuck in is trying to punish me. Once in awhile, it seems like I relive the whole entire thing, from waking up to feeling the pills take effect.

The first thing I saw after I died was my brother finding my body in the bathroom. After that, the only thing I saw for a while we're people finding out I was dead. At first it cycled through my family, then a handful of people who I could tell watched my videos. My family's way of telling the news of my death was just a very vague video my brother had recorded to post onto my channel, which was how my friends found out. That was when what I was forced to watch became my friends grieving.

Still, I get glimpses of my friends. To this day, the only people that know how I died are my family and the Pack, neither of which know why. However, the last time I got to check in with Vik, I could tell he was beginning to piece together the answer, and the secret I died with may have already been discovered by now.

It was a huge mistake, letting myself swallow all those pills. Everything made sense in my head, but it didn't translate into logical actions. My mind was like a false sense of security, and still is now, where I could find sense and comfort in what I believed should happen. I let Preston get to me, and my fantasies made me feel like the only safe place was my thoughts. This caused me to corner myself into thinking that I could only be happy dead, but that was quickly proven to be seriously wrong.

Only in my mind would I be able to be safe, terrified, madly in love, desperately hurt, angry, jealous, hopeful, lonely, and insane all at once.


	18. Stuck Inside (Vikklan)

_((Paring: Vikklan_  
 _Song: none_  
 _Genre: angst_  
 _Side-notes: I kinda pumped this out in a couple hours :) Also, big thanks to wildwolf for the amazing idea towards the middle/end (you'll see). So this takes place during this year's ski trip, before Lachlan, Rob, Preston, and Vik flew out to Quebec and we_ _re_ _still at Rob's. Also, I apologize if I got Vik's girlfriend's name wrong. I'm not quite sure what it is - whoops. I am also sorry that the chapter was all fucked up with the coding and all. Sometime's something messes up when I copy/paste it.))_

It had to be me, didn't it? Rob just had to take the only car we had and leave me behind with Vik and his girlfriend. He couldn't have left Preston behind or taken me instead, but Rob loved his fun, didn't he?

I knew Rob found the concept that I was in love with a man who was straight as all hell hilarious. He found it even funnier that Vik didn't bother to tell us that he was even dating anyone until he showed up at the airport with a girl we had never met. It only made sense for Rob to leave me alone with them.

No matter how funny it was to Rob, nothing about it was humorous to me. I couldn't find it entertaining that I looked forward to the trip, only for that excitement to get ripped from me. Rob would never understand, since the man he was in love with loved him back, and I would never understand the humor he saw in my situation.

After arguing with Rob for twenty minutes, I knew I had lost and retreated onto the couch. He said that he and Preston were only going to go pick some stuff up from the old apartment, but I knew they'd extend the trip. It was what Poofless did, seeing as Rob always skipped his pre-planned flight home from Texas whenever he visited. Defeat and dread settled in as I dragged my laptop onto my lap and logged into YouTube.

The front door opened and shut without a word of goodbye being uttered out, but there was still rustling around the house. High pitched and playful squealing paired with the thud of footsteps sounded from the other side of the house. I obviously figured that Vik and Kate were messing around and doing couple-y shit, and that hurt like hell. But I ignored it and just double checked my upload schedule.

It went quiet for a bit, before Vik appeared in front of me and literally jumped into the couch to the left of me. Kate took the space next to Vik.

"Hey, Lachlan. Where'd Poofless go?" Vik asked, Kate giving him a small shove and sending the two of them into a giggle fit.

"They needed something from Rob's old apartment. Pretty sure they're going to go out to eat or something too," I mumbled in response, pretending to pay attention to my computer.

"Huh... They'll probably forget that we aren't in any way familiar with the area," Vik thought aloud, looking at the wall in a distracted way.

"What's with that philosophical look, huh?" Kate teased, poking Vik. He shrugged, a smirk on his face.

"I'm a philosopher, was that not obvious enough?" Vik joked, stroking his unshaven stubble. I rolled my eyes and let out a quiet sigh.

The two of them were obnoxiously good together. It really wasn't fair, in my eyes. Especially the part where Rob stuck me in a house alone with them. It was bad enough that I was stuck in one-sided love, but to have shit friends too? Man, I was just winning the game.

"Lachlan, what's up? What's been happening lately?" Vik glanced at me, an uninterested look on his face. I didn't think he could tell I noticed.

"Just... video grinding and stuff," I sighed, looking at my empty computer screen. I didn't even have anything open anymore, I was just making those little boxes on the screen by dragging and clicking the mouse around.

"That's it? What about... Erm- How was your flight?" Vik continued, trying to keep conversation going.

"Besides losing one of my bags? Great," I sarcastically replied.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that, man. That must stuck. How-"

"Vik, cut it with the small talk. Stop trying to initiate conversation, will you? We record with each other every other day. This, right now, is no different than Skype calls. It's no use bugging a conversation you don't want to participate in out of me," I snapped, sending a slight glare towards him.

My first instinct was to pick up my computer and lock myself in my room but, of course, my room was the couch. Rob had only two bedrooms, and one was for him and Preston, the other for Vik and Kate. That left me awkwardly sitting there, two pairs of confused eyes boring into me - which I ignored.

And of course I knew that Skype talks weren't the same as real life talks, but I wanted him to shut up. Honestly speaking, though, the only difference was experience. The actual things I talked about in conversations didn't vary between how they were communicated. I knew that I'd probably somehow end up giving myself away if I let myself talk. Besides, I didn't want to talk when she was around.

It wasn't like she was a terrible person, I just pretended she was so I had a proper excuse to hate her. Yeah, yeah, it still wasn't a proper excuse since it wasn't true, but I could care less. I just didn't want to hate someone for absolutely no reason. In reality, she was a sweet person from what I could tell. Vik was always really happy around her, as cliche as it sounded, and I had no right getting in the middle of it.

But no matter how much I told myself that he deserved to be happy with her, I couldn't shake out the thought that I may never get that kind of happiness. It was stupid, to think that I'd fall in love with Vik and that was it. To think that, since I was in love, he'd drop everything so I could have a happy ending. Or to think that, since it could never happen, I'd live in misery the rest of my life. Either could happen.

That was when Vik stood up, grabbed my arm, and dragged me to the kitchen. The kitchen was a fair distance away from the living room, where Kate was. I couldn't really tell whether that was a good or bad thing.

"What is your problem?" Vik yelled. "You were pissed at me a second ago, and now you're crying. What the hell is up?"

"W-what?" I didn't even know I was crying.

"What's going on, Lachlan?" His tone was now softer and more concerned, though that didn't make me want to talk any more.

"Nothing. Everything is just... fine," I lied, quickly wiping away my tears.

"Tell me, please. I'm your friend and I'm worried now," Vik pleaded.

"No. It's not... not something I want to talk about," I murmured, staring at the counter.

"You may not want to talk about it right now, but you'll have to eventually, okay?" He gave up - quite quickly, too - and was about to walk away.

"Wait!" I called out, without thinking. He turned back around, a genuinely interested look on his face. There was nothing I had to say, yet I called him back for some reason.

"Yeah?"

"I... I'll stop lying," I breathed. Suddenly, I saw no reason to lie to him anymore. I didn't know what got into me, but I spilled. "I'll tell you the truth, just don't... don't hurt me, please."

"Hurt you? Why would I-" he began.

"I- um- well-" I stammered. His eyes widened, and a defensive look formed onto his face.

"You don't like Kate, do you?" he asked, slowly.

"No! No. That's not it. Worse actually," I replied, the last part whispered. "Okay, I'll try to stop stumbling on my words now... You're  
going to hate me after this, especially this early into the trip but... I see no point in hiding this from you if I have to spend the week with you. I'm... in love with you, Vik."

"What?" I couldn't tell if he was angry, surprised, confused, or anything.

"This was a mistake, telling you. I shouldn't have done it- I'm such an idiot! I should just go," I thought aloud. Without a word coming out of Vik, I slipped on shoes and a jacket and left the house. I had no clue where I was going, but I needed to get away.

What the hell just happened? Did I really just tell Vik? What the hell was going through my head? That was the most idiotic thing I could do in that situation, but of course I did it. I kicked some snow on the sidewalk as I made my way away from Rob's place. Where was I going, anyway?

Besides from being caught up in my idiot decision and pretty much getting myself lost, I was still expecting something more. Maybe it was the fantasies I had getting to me, or the naive part of me not giving up, but I expected Vik to run after me or something and tell me he loved me too. How cliche was that? That literally only happened in stories - especially those damned fanfictions that constantly reminded me of what I'd never have.

With my head down, I crossed the street and walked towards what looked like a coffee shop. Yes, I waited for the crossing sign to change and all that safety bullshit. Frankly, I didn't care. I was alone in Toronto and I had no clue what was going to happen.

Unfortunately, as I crossed the next street, I got hit by a car. The only way to talk about it was in a calm way. There was ice on the road and Rob's car couldn't break properly, so I got hit. Unlucky for me, I didn't get killed, and Rob and Preston freaked the fuck out. What were the odds, that of all people who could have ran me over, it was Preston, driving Rob's car home.

It was probably one of those weird couple things. Rob just got this nice car, and he was picky about what happened to it and where it went because it's new and all that shit. But, since he was so head over heels in love with Preston, he let the American, who lived in a place where there was no snow, drive in Canada. Love just made so much sense, didn't it?

After getting hit, though, I couldn't really remember what happened. I just woke up in a hospital a couple hours later with Preston sitting in a chair next to me. There was nothing seriously wrong - only a couple broken ribs and some bruises. At first it didn't make sense that I had broken bones, since the car was going slow, right? It just so happened that Preston absolutely freaked out when the car wouldn't stop, and he ended up accidentally pressing the gas pedal a bit instead of the break. I passed out, too, but I escaped a concussion.

Preston wouldn't stop apologizing, which was both adorable and annoying. I understood that he wasn't used to driving in those conditions - I mean seriously, why did Rob let him drive - and I kind of was asking for it. Someone absorbed in self-pity that crossed the street with his head down was awaiting something bad.

Rob felt bad, too. Less about the accident than Preston (though he still felt bad), and more about how I was looking forward to skiing. With broken bones, I was better off without physical activity. That meant the ski trip no longer would be a ski trip for me. He came up with all these things I could do if I just hung around in the chalet. Jerome brought Alex along, and Alex didn't ski or snowboard, so I could have hung out with him. Another one of the guys could have stayed for a while before going out or something, so I had other people to talk to than just Alex. I didn't take any of his options.

Instead, I flew home as soon as I was able to. It was stupid for me to hang around if I was just another waste of space. There'd be a lot of people in the chalet without me. Besides that, I didn't want to have to face Vik. If he didn't visit me in the hospital, then I didn't want to have to be forced in the same house as him.

It was a walk of shame of sorts. Vik thought who knew what about me, Preston had just ran me over, and Rob felt like a shitty host. Flying home was my way of avoiding facing those people, running away from my problems.

That was all I ever really did anyway, run away from my problems.


	19. Firsts (Vikklan)

_((Pairing: Vikklan  
Song: None  
Genre: fluff  
Side-notes: What, I'm actually updating?! Anyway, I have a few more one shots that will come out later today because it's Valentine's Day! What better day to be all sappy and romantic than today?))_

Vik and Lachlan had been dating for three years, and this year they would be celebrating their second Valentine's day together. The year before, Lachlan had flown over to Britain to visit Vik and intended to do again, but Vik insisted on going to Australia. This visit would be Vik's first time in the western part of Australia and also the first time he'd be meeting Lachlan's full family.

The whole plane ride there, Vik let his nerves get the best of him. Of course, he knew deep down that he was overthinking and worrying about nothing, yet he still let his doubts consume his thoughts. Besides the images of strange animals attempting to kill him, he thought his boyfriend's family would hate him, as do many other people when they meet people important to their significant other. He remembered that he had very briefly met Lachlan's mom over Skype and met Lachlan's brother, Mitch, at MineCon; however, those were simply introductions - nothing like staying in their house for a whole week and a half.

Lachlan noticed Vik's unease the moment he saw Vik approaching him. He figured that there was a lot that could be bothering Vik, but, whether it was being in Australia for the first time or he was annoyed yet again about something Lachlan didn't know he did, it still made Lachlan worried about Vik. Lachlan knew that Vik could easily overthink things, and he knew from experience that overthinking could very quickly turn terrible. Before Lachlan could think of something to say, he was engulfed in a hug and all he could smell was the familiar scent of Vik's shampoo. Needless to say, all thoughts left Lachlan's mind as he wrapped his arms around Vik as though he was going to leave any moment.

"Welcome to Brisbane, Vik," Lachlan whispered into Vik's hair.

"It's already too warm here," Vik mumbled, resting his head against Lachlan's chest.

"Then let's head to the house." Lachlan wordlessly picked Vik up, threw him over his shoulder, grabbed Vik's suitcase, and started heading out of the airport.

"Oi! What're you doing?!" Vik squirmed around and acted like he was annoyed, but he was grinning like a madman.

"I used the ultimate pick up line," Lachlan replied, innocently.

"What the hell? That doesn't even make sense," Vik gasped in between laughs.

"I said 'Let's head to the house,' and that was the line that lead up to me picking you up. Get it?" Lachlan continued walking out the doors of the airport, somehow without getting weird looks or yelled at by security.

"You're so lame. I'm dating such a lame nerd." The two of them gave each other a what-is-even-happening kind of look and burst into laughter.

When they both calmed down, Lachlan continued to walk to the car while neither of them talked. As Lachlan thought about how much he had missed Vik, Vik was again thinking about how scared he was to meet Lachlan's family. It was only once Vik was put back down onto the ground to get into the car that Vik spoke up.

"Lachlan… What if your family dislikes me?" Vik asked, a worried look on his face as he glanced at Lachlan.

"That's what you were worried about? I could tell you were stressed out a little while ago." Lachlan suddenly remembered being concerned about Vik when he first saw him at the airport, and everything clicked into place to make sense.

"Yeah. I know it's stupid, but I'm still scared. They're very important to you - they're your family, after all. Plus, it'd end up being a very awkward week and a half if I were to stay with people who hated me." Vik could tell that Lachlan was trying to find the right words before he spoke as he started the car. That was something Vik always noticed; Lachlan had become very careful with what he said, and Vik didn't know why.

"Just because your parents don't like me doesn't mean my parents won't like you. They've seen your videos before and they know how I talk about you, I highly doubt that their image of you will be changed anytime soon. Besides, them not liking you wouldn't ever make me want to break up with you, especially since you haven't done that to me," Lachlan reassured.

"Of course I haven't done that! Sure, my parents are important to me, but it's my life and I'm in love with you. They want all these things for me that I don't. They just always expected me to date these perfect guys or, at the very least, one of their friends' sons."

"But that's because you _could_ date an absolutely perfect guy and you're not. I never wanted to admit that there are so many reasons you should be dating someone else, someone that your parents like," Lachlan admitted.

"Is that why you've been more hesitant when you talk? You don't want to say the wrong thing and make me not want to be with you anymore?" Vik questioned, confused. What could Lachlan ever possibly do to make Vik dislike him?

"Yeah, I guess… Anyway, my point is that my family's view of you wouldn't change my view of you," Lachlan quickly rushed out, trying to change the subject. It was quiet for a moment, before Vik spoke again.

"What do you mean that I could do better? Have you seen yourself?" Vik paused and thought about how perfect Lachlan was, and how it was impossible for anyone to hate him in any way - well, besides his parents, that was. The bright blue eyes and amazing personality Vik fell in love with hadn't changed at all.

"I've just never really liked how I look… And do _you_ even know yourself? You are the most adorable person I have ever laid eyes on. But you're also smart, clever, funny... " Lachlan let out a barely audible sigh.

"But you tell the best jokes, have the most amazing accent, kick absolute ass in Pokemon… And you're childish in the best way possible. I don't see how anyone could not love you." Vik noticed that one of Lachlan's hands were next to stick shift, but not on it, so he grabbed Lachlan's hand in both of his own.

"Maybe this is why we work as a couple," Lachlan started. At first Vik was confused and thought Lachlan was trying to change the subject again, so he waited for Lachlan to continue. "We're arguing about who is more attractive in both looks and personality. Not the typical 'I'm better,' the less common 'You're way better than me.'"

"Whatever the case, you're probably the best person I've ever dated," Vik stated, slightly glad that the topic had changed to something more lighthearted.

"You're da best _I_ ever had," Lachlan giggled, referencing a Drake song. Vik rolled his eyes as it was expected that Lachlan's fanboy side would come out, but that didn't mean Vik wasn't going to play along too.

"But you're just a little too worth it, a little too perfect. I don't deserve you at all, no not at all." Lachlan raised his eyebrow at Vik's response. Usually, Vik made fun of Lachlan for all his Drake references.

"Whatever," Lachlan said, lightly shoving Vik's arm. "We're here now. Now get out of the car so we can cuddle in my room." Laughing, Vik stretched yawning slightly as he unbuckles and gets out of Lachlan's car. Grabbing his bag and Lachlan's hand, Vik starts walking towards the front door nervously. Lachlan noticed Vik hesitate a bit, so he tugged on his hand, pulling him the rest of the way to the door. Fumbling around in his pockets for a little while, Lachlan grins over at Vik when he finally finds his keys. Vik had a smile on his face, but he could feel dread sink into his stomach. Lachlan let go of Vik's hand as he went inside, calling out to his parents as he picked up Vik's bag and took off his shoes.

"I'm home and Vik's with me!" Lachlan yelled to the rest of his family. All of the sudden, the quiet house turns to complete mayhem. Stunned, Vik can only stand there shocked as Lachlan's family came bustling in. They ushered him through the house and into the kitchen, all while bombarding Vik with questions. Before Vik could even start to comprehend anything again, he found himself sitting in a comfortable chair while Lachlan was grinning behind his parents and his brother.

"He's so cute, you never told me that he was this adorable Lachlan!" Lachlan's mom turned around and hit Lachlan on the arm. Lachlan just laughed, smiling at me even more.

"Does he have any sisters?" Mitch whispered conspiratorially to Lachlan, eyeing Vik and smirking. Offended, Lachlan hit Mitch on the arm whilst frowning at his brother. Shocked at their relationship, Vik stared at Lachlan, a confused look spreading over his face. Trying to hold back a smile, Lachlan's dad walked threateningly towards Vik's stunned form.

"You must be the Vikram Barn that Lachlan won't shut up about. You look like a nice guy, but looks can be deceiving. Tell me, kid, have you ever thought about hurting my son in any way shape or form?" Looking slightly panicked, Vik shook his head to say no. "Good, now tell me, do you top?" Vik gave a confused look to Lachlan, but Lachlan just looked terrified and punched his dad's arm.

"What the hell, dad, you told me you wouldn't ask him that!" Lachlan looked affronted as he blushed furiously. Laughing heartily, his dad ruffled Lachlan's hair and stepped back from Vik's stunned form. "Now, if you'll excuse us, I need to get Vik settled into our room." Lachlan glared at his family as he grabbed Vik's hand and moved him from the chair. He pulled Vik into the main hallway, picked up Vik's suitcase on the way to his room, and stopped right outside Lachlan's room. Glancing over, Lachlan noticed that Vik's shoulders were shaking.

"Are you ok? Oh god, I'm so sorry - I should have warned you about them, but it's easy to get used to them, and I assumed you'd be ok, I'm sorry." Rambling on, Vik lifted Lachlan's head up to see his laughing face. "Oh, right oops." Smiling too, Lachlan began to laugh. Before long, they were leaning on each other with tears of laughter streaming down their faces. After a few moments, they both calm down, but huge smiles on both of their faces as Lachlan opened the door. Lachlan put down Vik's bag as he made his way to the bed. Vik hesitated in the doorway before he walked in and took in every aspect of Lachlan's room. Vik giggled slightly at the Pokemon posters and smiled softly at the picture of them together on Lachlan's bedside table. Walking in, he sat next to Lachlan on the soft bed. Vik leaned into Lachlan and intertwined their hands together. As he rested his head against Lachlan's chest, he looked up to see Lachlan smiling at him. Lachlan kissed Vik's head and rested his cheek on Vik's hair while Vik took a deep breath. Both of them could feel the other's warm, creating a sense of reality and proving that they were really sitting next to each other.

"I love you," Lachlan whispered into Vik's soft hair, smiling as he felt Vik start to rub circles into his hand.

"I love you too, you massive geek," Vik whispered back, smiling at the perfection of the moment.

"Your geek."

"My geek."


	20. Bubbly (Poofless)

_((Pairing: Poofless  
Song: Bubbly by Colbie Caillat  
Genre: fluff  
Side-notes: I wonder if you guys know me and wildwolf well enough to tell the difference between our writing styles. Anyone wanna make a guess? :D))_

Yawning, Preston collapses into bed, exhausted from a full day of recording at the offices. Yawning again, he pulls off his shirt, stretching and relaxing into the comfortable bed. Glancing over, he smiles as Rob finishes his nightly routines, joining him the bed. Snuggling up next to Preston, he wraps him up in his arms and kisses his, shoulder relaxing and letting the stress of the day fade into the mattress and leave. Relaxing, everything quickly fades to a fuzzy black for Rob a small smile wrapped up with happy warmth resting in place of everything else.

Jolting awake, Rob looks over at Preston poking him in the arm. Sometime while Rob was asleep, Preston had managed to turn so they were laying face to face. Smiling warmly, Rob kisses Preston's nose rubbing circles on his back.

"What's up sweetie?" Rob asks, tired with sleep coating his words. Sighing, Preston looks down guilty, almost like he didn't want Rob to actually wake up. Smiling softly, Rob recognizes the look. "You couldn't sleep?" Rob asks, stroking Preston's arm comforting. Preston nods, still looking down embarrassed and guilty that he woke up Rob from his sleep. Rob sighs and smiles down at Preston. Rob leans down and kisses Preston's head. Wrapping Preston in his arms, he starts to massage his arms. "I love you honey, just relax, it's okay." Smiling in response, Preston kissed Rob's chest and turned back around to lay in Rob's arms. Smiling, Rob clears his throat smiling at Preston.

"I've been awake for a while now  
You've got me feelin' like a child now  
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face  
I get the tingles in a silly place

It starts in my toes  
And I crinkle my nose  
Wherever it goes  
I always know  
That you make me smile  
Please stay for a while now  
Just take your time  
Wherever you go

The rain is falling on my window pane  
But we are hiding in a safer place  
Under covers stayin dry and warm  
[Another version of the song says: "Under covers stayin safe and warm"]  
You give me feelings that I adore

They start in my toes  
Make me crinkle my nose  
Wherever it goes  
I always know  
That you make me smile  
Please stay for a while  
now just take your time  
Wherever you go

But what am I gonna say:  
When you make me feel this way  
I just mmmmmm

And it starts in my toes  
Makes me crinkle my nose  
Wherever it goes  
I always know  
That you make me smile  
Please stay for a while  
Now just take your time  
Wherever you go

I've been asleep for a while now  
You tuck me in just like a child now  
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms  
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul  
And I lose all control  
When you kiss my nose  
The feeling shows  
'Cause you make me smile,  
Baby, just take your time  
Now holdin' me tight

Wherever, wherever, wherever you go  
Wherever, wherever, wherever you go

Wherever you go  
I always know  
'Cause you make me smile  
Even just for a while"

Smiling, Rob stopped singing and kissed Preston on the top of his head as he felt the gentle breathing from his boyfriend, signalling that he was fast asleep. Breathing in Preston's cologne, he smiled warmly into Preston's hair, relaxing and letting go of reality again to dream of more happy days with his love.


	21. Hospital (Merome)

_((Pairing: Merome  
Song: none  
Genre: FLUFF GALORE  
Side-notes: I've been really excited to write this. Also, I have never broken a bone or been the one to ever need to go to the hospital (that's my brother) so I can't promise that all of this is accurate.))_

Jerome had always loved skateboarding, so it only made sense that Mitch bought him the pennyboard that Jerome had been dying to buy for the last couple of months. The pennyboard was the perfect Valentine's day gift, despite Mitch's low key need to get something of higher monetary value. The only reason Mitch didn't feel a strong need to return the board and get something else was that he knew Jerome well and Jerome could care less about money. That was partially why Jerome tended to treasure small little trinkets and wasted his money on expensive but useless items.

Mitch knew Jerome well, but he never truly thought through his decisions. Having known Jerome since fourth grade, it should have occurred to him that giving a reckless person something with wheels was a bad idea, but it never did. It was only natural that Jerome ended up trying to use it in a potentially harmful way which, in his case, was using it in the house. Mitch wasn't even there to see Jerome fall, all he heard was a thumb and a loud "FUCK!" resounding from the kitchen. When he ran downstairs, he just saw Jerome laying on the floor, clutching his right arm.

"Um…" Jerome was trying to come up with an explanation that didn't sound as lame and idiotic as what had actually happened, but he couldn't focus on anything other than the pain in his arm.

"What did you do?" Mitch ran his hand through his hair and stared at Jerome. He seriously hoped that Jerome didn't hurt himself badly.

"I may or may not have rode the pennyboard around the kitchen and fallen. I also kinda maybe hit my arm on the counter on my way down and then landed straight on it…" Jerome tried to push himself up and hissed in pain when he attempted to move his right arm. Mitch immediately rushed over to Jerome to help him up.

"I should probably take you to the hospital, Jerome." Mitch carefully held Jerome by the waist and pulled him up so he could stand.

"No! I'll be fine! Besides, I don't want to ruin today. It's Valentine's day and I want to spend it together and enjoying each other's presence, not at the hospital." Jerome stared at the ground in shame because he genuinely didn't want to ruin their day.

"I don't care where we're spending the day as long I'm with you, okay? I just want to make sure you're fine and nothing seriously wrong happened when you fell."

"Fine…" Jerome followed Mitch to the doorway to the garage so they could get ready to head out. Mitch easily put on his shoes, unlike Jerome who was struggling.

"Need a little help?" Mitch couldn't help but giggle at how ridiculous Jerome looked, hopping up and down while trying to put his sneakers on with only one hand.

"No…" Jerome continued to try to win a war against his shoe until gave a defeated sigh and tossed his shoe at Mitch. "Yeah, I need help." Mitch quickly slipped the shoes onto Jerome's feet and just about dragged him into the car.

"Did you hit your head when you fell?" Mitch asked as he pulled out of the drive way. Jerome shook his head to say no. "Okay, that's good. What if you have a broken arm or something? What'll you do about recording?"

"No PVP, I guess? I mean, if it's nothing serious, then I just shouldn't do too much with the mouse, right?" Jerome shrugged, staring at his arm with a frown on his lips.

"Hey, remember that time in fifth grade when you broke your arm by skateboarding down the sledding hill?" Mitch took his eyes off the road for a few moments to look at Jerome.

"Yeah. I was such an idiot when I was younger. More so than I am now, anyway." Thinking about their young school days brought a smile to both Mitch and Jerome's faces.

"I can't believe I hated you so much back then. It made sense that you hated me because I kept on catching you in the wrong place at the wrong time, but I don't see why I wanted to hate you back." Mitch recalled completely fucking up the skateboard ramp that Jerome and his friends had made in sixth grade. Jerome's reaction to that was one of the most terrifying, yet hilarious things he'd ever seen.

"To be fair, I pulled pretty mean pranks on you. Not even for any reason, I just wanted to and I knew you'd have the best revenge pranks of everyone I knew."

"I'm honored," Mitch joked, putting his hand over his heart.

"I'm glad everything went the way it did, though. If we never hated each other, then I would have never felt obligated to apologise to you when someone told me they were in contact with you." Jerome leaned over to kiss Mitch on the cheek and, despite how long they had been dating, Mitch blushed.

"Being around you still makes me nervous sometimes…" Mitch pulled his hoodie up to cover his cheeks and nose out of embarrassment, but Jerome pulled it back down.

"You're too cute." A wide smile spread onto Mitch's lips, causing Jerome to smile too.

Once Mitch and Jerome arrived at the hospital and gave any necessary information, they settled into the seats in the waiting room. There weren't too many other people around, and the people that were there were absorbed in their own activities. Neither Mitch nor Jerome were doing anything of importance, so they decided to people watch.

"Why do you think that red-head is here?" Jerome nudged his head towards a teenage boy with orange hair. At first look, it didn't seem like anything was wrong with him, but Mitch noticed that there was a bloody tissue on his lap.

"I'm not sure. Maybe some sort of infection or something?"

"Yeah, that kinda makes sense. I mean, if it was anything serious than he'd be in the ER rather than here. What about that little girl?" Jerome pointed to a girl who couldn't have been more than two years old.

"I bet she ate a tiny toy or something. Like a Monopoly piece or one of the houses." The two of them stayed quiet for a few moments, until Jerome spoke up.

"How many people do you think are here because of some sex-related mishap?" Jerome asked, completely casual and nonchalant.

"What the hell?" Mitch was taken aback at the random question, but, at the same time, didn't expect anything less from his boyfriend.

"I'm sure things like that aren't all that uncommon. Plus, it's Valentine's Day. I feel like today would be a day where there'd be especially more people." Jerome couldn't help but facepalm at the words coming out of his mouth.

"You're forgetting that it's only three P.M. right now. There'd be more people tomorrow because people tend to have sex at night," Mitch joked in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Right, Mitch. How could I have been so stupid?" Jerome laughed, causing everyone in the waiting room to give him a weird look.

"I've grown used to it," Mitch teased.

"Oi! Fish, fish, fish!" Jerome jokingly gasped and put his hand over his heart, as if he was offended.

"You can't even be offended; you injured yourself by pennyboarding in the house." Jerome crossed his arms over his chest. He stuck his bottom lip out to make a pouty face as he stared Mitch dead in the eye.

"You're mean."

"I'm only teasing." Mitch gave Jerome a quick kiss, but Jerome kept his pouty act on.

"No, I'm mad at you now." Jerome then wiped his lips with his sleeve. "I don't want your germs on my face."

"Oh well, I guess I have no choice but to do this." Mitch started pestering Jerome with wet, slobbery kisses all over his face. It wasn't long before Jerome gave up and started giggling, trying to push Mitch off him.

"As much as I love you, I don't think the other people here appreciate the PDA."

"One more?" Mitch begged.

"Fine." Mitch went to kiss Jerome's cheek again, but Jerome quickly grabbed Mitch's chin with his left hand and turned his face to kiss his lips. After a moment, Mitch pulled away, light pink dusted over his cheeks.

"You know how I said that you still make me nervous sometimes? This is definitely one of those times. My heart is going to beat straight out of my chest," Mitch whispered.

"I'll admit then I still get butterflies when you kiss me. I couldn't ask for it to be any other way," Jerome confessed.

"I love you, Bac."

"Love you, too, Benj."


	22. Surprise (Poofless)

_((Pairing: Poofless  
Song: none  
Genre: fluff  
Side-notes: This one is way shorter because I kinda exhausted my writing abilities for today. This is also a shitty because I'm trying to get my ideas out in a rush. Sorry. xD))_

Rob understood the reasons that he wasn't able to see Preston in real life on Valentine's Day, but it didn't make it any better. He wasn't really angry at Preston or himself, he was simply disappointed that they couldn't be together. As great as Skype calls were, Rob craved Preston's touch, especially the feeling of Preston's lips on his own.

From the moment he woke up to every moment afterward, his mind was stuck on Preston. He found it really sucky that Preston had to be busy this week, but it wasn't like he was going to whine too much about it. It was out of his control that Preston had all this family stuff planned way ahead of time.

Despite how much he wanted Preston to be in Toronto, he wanted to just hear his voice even more. Preston wasn't answering phone calls, Skype calls, and texts. It wasn't unlikely that Preston was spending time with his family, but Rob couldn't help but think of worst case scenarios. Was he being too clingy? Was Preston mad at him for something?

By the mid-afternoon, Rob just wanted to lay in bed and sleep, even though he wasn't tired. He didn't want to deal with anyone or anything, and he especially didn't want to have to get out of bed once he got in. Rob spent a good ten minutes wrapping himself in the perfect blanket cocoon, so when he heard a knock on the door, he was ready to scream. With a scowl in his face, he trudged over to door, his blankets still wrapped snugly around him.

"Hi, Robby," a familiar voice greeted. Rob's expression went blank for a moment before tears started streaming down his cheeks.

"Preston?" Rob reached out to touch Preston's cheek, as if he wasn't sure Preston was actually there.

"I'm sorry that I lied to you about the family thing. I wanted to surprise you." Preston had an ashamed look on his face, but Rob could care less about whether Preston lied or not. All he could focus on was the fact that Preston was there.

"Oh, Preston," Rob breathed. He clumsily unwrapped himself from his blanket and wrapped his arms around Preston's torso. There was a moment of confusion before Preston shrugged and hugged Rob back.

"I missed you," Preston mumbled into Rob's shoulder. Rob nodded and buried his face in Preston's shirt. He took a deep breath and all he could smell was Preston's laundry detergent.

"I don't care about anything now that you're here. Can we just cuddle in my room?" Rob's voice was muffled by the cloth of Preston's shirt. The tickling sensation of Rob's breath against Preston's chest brought a smile to the Texan's face.

"Of course, Robby." Preston swiftly brought his bags into the house, shut the door, and picked up Rob.

"What are you doing, Pressy?" Rob was confused, but he wasn't going to complain.

"I'm carrying you into your room," he replied, innocently.

"Why?" Rob's tone was similar to that of a curious child. He didn't really care, but he wanted to know.

"Because I can. And because I love you," Preston answered, simply.

"Why do you love me?" Rob continued.

"Because I can."

"That's a great answer." Sarcasm was laced into Rob's voice, earning a small chuckle from Rob.

"You can't not love Rob, even if he doesn't have a job."

"And you can't not love Preston, even if he's a cactus."

"I love you, Rob," Preston told Rob as he laid Rob down on the bed, followed by Preston laying down next to him.

"I love you, too, Preston," Rob responded, as he relaxed into the comfort of Preston's arms around him.


	23. Imagine

_((Pairing: any_

 _Song: none_

 _Genre: angst_

 _Side-notes: Sorry, wildwolf, for saying I'd post this and then not doing it. Whoops. Also I haven't read over it a last time or anything, but I trust it's fine. Wildwolf is better at updating my own stories than I am, I swear.))_

I told myself I wouldn't get my hopes up. In reality that would be impossible. I loved the rush that the excitement gave me. The warm fuzzy feeling of anticipation and excitement. It was better than anything else that I've ever felt. The hot burning bubbles that rise up in your stomach popping in your throat and filling your whole body with bouncing happiness. I let it get out of hand, ignoring all my reasonable sides for excitement and anticipation. That excitement lead to daydreaming in a happy stupor. Imagining every detail, from the smile on his face to the feeling of his hand on mine. The sweet comfort of his hugs and the amazing perfection of his laughs. It got me through days of stressful work and nights spent hugging a pillow alone in my room with tears slipping down my face wishing for human contact. When everything became too much I could just slip away into his videos, imagining me sitting next to him and laughing by his side and not thousands of miles away. His face on the screen was enough and the videos we recorded together made me happy enough but I still knew that something vital was missing. Some greater piece to our relationship. Of course I just assumed that he felt the same way, he was so onboard with our viewers shipping us so of course I assumed he was gay too, and at least slightly into me. Maybe not infatuated like I am with him but still he must have felt something for me right? I wasn't worth his interest but I can still hope. When he called me at midnight with just audio I was relieved. I had spent the past hour crying and too far into the dark parts of my mind. Of course I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. It was a horrible mistake on my part. Shaking slightly, traces of darkness still lingering in my mind like sickening cobwebs. We stayed silent for the first ten minutes, I was just taking comfort from the sound of static and him shifting every now and then. Staring at his contact picture I smile slightly at his beauty. Eventually his voice punctures the silence making me jump a little bit. He starts off with our normal greeting, explaining about his day and discussing possible recording times. Smiling I stay silent and let his voice wash over me, dusting away the final cobwebs and filling my heart with the immense joy and happiness. I slightly tune in to his words in time to hear him say the word that fills my heart with dread. Stuttering my mind halts to a stop while my thoughts spin in impossible circles. He has a girlfriend. He wants me to meet her. They've been going for a year now and he's talking about asking her to move in with him. I feel dizzy as every shred of darkness I have fills the empty places in my mind. Stunned I lean back in my chair remaining silent. Finally I speak up. "Do you love her?" I ask holding out hope that I still have a chance. "Yes" his firm and definite response crashes into my ears and sets my body on fire. Tears slowly drip down my face filling the tracks that had previously dried. Sitting still I feel his voice continue talking to me but I'm numb. I have no chance. I am useless. Pointless to the Pack and a waste of air to all of them. Curling up in my bed I sob into my pillows his voice playing in my ears and making the pain that much worse but also chased away the worst thoughts. I wish it wasn't this way but there's nothing I can do. He doesn't love me and now all I'm left with is my imagined happiness and daydreams of perfection.


	24. Later (Poofless)

_((Pairing: Poofless  
Song: none  
Genre: angst  
Side-notes: Um... hello. Sorry? Is that even enough? I don't know. Sorry for disappearing off wattpad for a while and thank you so much to wildwolf for basically being my lifeline 3))_

Hello.

Maybe I mean goodbye?

That sounds better, here let me restart.

Goodbye.

It was nice to know you.

To hold you in my arms when we met.

To stare at the tiny squares that somehow formed your incredibly perfect face when we were apart.

The wide grin that was painted across your face when we were together.

Side by side the laughter of happiness.

Maybe, it's hard to remember what that was like now.

I know you won't read this.

You must hate me for being so pathetic and telling you like this.

I needed to write everything down before it broke down my mind and tore up my memories.

I know I meant nothing to you.

The jokes and secret smiles that of a friend.

There are some things I never told you while I had the chance.

I love you.

Theres one.

I love you with all my heart and hurt so much when you told me you loved her.

I shouldn't have cried like I did.

I should have been happy for you.

But I'm selfish so I cried.

A lot.

Like I am now.

I'm sitting with you now.

It feels worth mentioning.

Maybe it isn't, who really knows.

A stranger will probably read this, shocked and scared.

I'm sorry to whomever it is that has to read this in place of you.

That day, 14 days 10 hours, I was going to tell you.

Even if it ruined us, I was going to say it.

When I heard the news something in me broke.

Why didn't you say anything?

I could have made it better.

That was a lie.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't lie to you.

It's cold.

I think it's going to snow.

It's not as cold as the stone against my back.

You always hated it when I sat on you.

Sorry.

I'll be leaving soon anyways.

Joining you, I hope.

I'll ask for a home next to yours.

One final thing before I go to join you.

I should have saved you.

That car was heading for me, I should be lying cold and dead not you.

For that I'm sorry.

I just wish this is enough to make up for it, time for me to go and fly..

I'll see you soon love.


	25. The Drawer

_((Pairing: None  
Song: None  
Genre: agnst  
Side-notes: ...))_

Crimson drips condensed drops of life. Sighing I feel the numbness return. Spreading through my chest and infecting my mind. My thoughts slow as a sharp spreading pain blossoms from my hip. My thoughts swirls mimicking the red lines being painted down my leg and pooling below my feet to be trampled upon by more sinister thoughts. The numbness seems an almost blissful friend, a merciful companion to the biting screaming pain. Twisting I lift the gleaming metal to my lips. Tracing the edge of pity and hate with my tongue I smile at the sickly sweet taste coating my mouth and settling the line between emptiness and splitting from too much. Sighing I finish up with four quick and uniform lines, all on top of the older scarred lines. Punishment rather than release for me. Setting down the blade amongst the white rag stained with brown and faint hints of red and the tape to hold my skin together. To keep my thoughts from bursting out and opening up too far. Smiling slightly I pull out the rag. It takes too long to clean up this time. The small pool of blood tries too hard to spill my secret and the lines dry down my leg trying to stain my skin with the unsaid words. But at least all that is left is the rag, more red than brown now. White tissues stick to my leg held together by the tape. Reaching down I grab for my next weapon. A stranger one this time. Yet somehow more cruel than the last. Duct tape holds it together almost like my tools hold me together when I'm like this. The fire is lit with a careful precision that comes with practice. The lighter set aside as soon as it has cooled and the dripping stick starting to cry hot tears. Usually it's only the blood pooling around my feet that cools my mind and set my screaming mind to sleep. This time they are still too loud. It's been a long time since I've had to use these. The blue starts to swirl in with the clear and I realize I am stalling. I don't know why I am . It's something I want, something in my deepest heart I crave with my whole being. Smiling slightly I tip the candle and let the burning wax drip onto my arm. My hand clenches involuntarily and I flinch away from the pain. I used to be able to hold it upside down for minutes on end and drip the molten tears onto every part of my arm, but not even the slightest drop of wax brings tears to my eyes. The pain fades depending on how spread out the wax drop is and how thin the layer is. Slowly my arm is painted blue by the calming pain. Before I am aware what is happening my wrist is coated in blue and my mind is silenced. Sighing in happiness I blow out the candle. Quickly I tip it over, letting the final collected drops to fall to my arm giving my hand one final clench before relaxing completely, content in my self destruction and glowing in the aftermath of pain. I never cry during these times. Crying is something else. It acknowledges the screaming pain and that's reserved for nights when I can't work up the motivation to stand, let alone pull open the drawer and pull out my tools. Crying is for the nights when it hurts to move and when the weight of the world drops on my chest. Slipping out of my thoughts I notice that everything is ready to be packed away for the next time I need it. I peel the wax off my skin, cringing as it pulls away the tiny hairs on my arm. Somehow the pain feels more real and I recognize it as the signs of coming back into reality. Sighing I scrape away the little bits of wax left on my arm and stand from my bed. Grabbing the candle and lighter I wander back to the rag and blades. Quietly I pull open my secret drawer. The candle and lighter go in first the candle under the broken lighter crammed right beside the cup filled with hardened wax. The blade is tucked away where no one will find it and the rag fits over everything. Closing the drawer I also close away my mind. Empty I wander back into bed and pick up my phone. Plastering a smile onto my face I reply to my friends with genuine smiles and peace, yet even as I am content with everything around me my mind still wanders to the drawer and all the secrets it holds for me.


End file.
